What is wrong with me?

I am not feeling it. No, not the baby. I feel him/her at least once a day. Usually more.

Pregnancy.

I refuse to believe it is real. I can't even fathom all the things I need to do. The idea of preparing a nursery makes me feel like an actress. I am not pregnant. I can't be. Someone else is pregnant and I am just pretending it is me. I am just daydreaming. This can't be real. I don't get this lucky.

I have heard that (never actually read anything to prove it) infertile women have a higher rate of PPD than fertile women because they refuse to imagine life after delivery. I can imagine me with a toddler, but never me with a newborn. I can picture me in a hospital holding a baby. But not me bringing home a baby in a carseat and all that jazz. I am petrified of PPD. When (Yes, when, because I do acknowledge that this baby is happening) I finally get my gift, I want to enjoy it. Not have all those awful feelings I hear about.

I also feel like I can't share this with anyone because, I begged, pleaded, prayed, for this. And now it sounds like I don't want it anymore. It is not that. It is me, not accepting it. I thought it would seem real when I felt movement, then when I felt frequent movement. Now I am saying, it will feel real once I know the sex. But will it ever feel real?

My mother buys all the neutral baby items she sees, and I think "Whoa, what a waste of money, I am not REALLY pregnant." George has the same thing I guess. He sees me come home with some size 3 diapers and his eyes pop out of his head. We won't really have a baby who wears diapers will we?

Speaking of diapers. Cloth diapering. Someone share their knowledge here. What will I need? Where do I get it? What brand do you use? I plan to cloth diaper at home, but when we are out and about, use disposable diapers, because let's face it, who wants me rinsing poopy diapers at their house? Also, do I need one of those attachment thingys for my toilet to rinse the poop off? What are they even called? Are they available at a hardware store? Will my husband think I am crazy if I ask him to attach it and microwave some chocolate chips onto a cloth diaper so I can see just how hard it will be to get poop off a diaper?

I can have these thoughts. Then I think "Pfft! Another daydream." What is wrong with me?

Oh, and this whole pregnancy eating thing, it is weird! I am not a good eater. Pre=pregnancy I ate 1 or 2 meals a day. Now I eat constantly. Within 2 hours of one meal, I am preparing another! If I eat at 11 pm, I will wake up at 3 or 4 am starving! And I have to eat. HAVE TO. George thinks it is funny! Not funny. Annoying. And it isn't like I want food. I just need food. Right now, sooooo not hungry, but I know I have to eat because that evil growling and tumbling is already starting.

What is wrong with me?