The A Word.

So on Saturday I felt a little sick in the evening. Then tha night all hell broke loose. Both ends. At the same time. While I was running to the bathroom.
Now my husband and I took vows, but he never agreed to shit and vomit cleaning. But he did. I felt even more disgusting though, just knowing that he cleaned up after me like I was a child or a dog.
I thought it was that GI flu going around, but it only lasted 2 hours. Kind of strange. Then sunday I noticed I had a runny nose. And so I claimed to still be sick in order to avoid a baby shower I had been planning to attend. It is for one of my friends. We were never best friends, more like high school drinking buddies. And then we went our seperate ways as we matured. Only staying in contact via facebook and texting. And this spring/early summer she and her long time boyfriend broke up. Then I guess she was late or something and she took a test. It was positive. So she and the boyfriend got back together and now are living happily ever after. She is having a girl.
While I am happy for them, or atleast I try to be, I feel the normal angst of "why not me?" That is the hardest part about infertility. I feel like a teenager who says "my life is so horrible" dispite having such a wonderful life. That's me.
I have great friends, a loving-shit-and-vomit-cleaning husband, great pets, a nice house, a shitty job, but life for me is good. Better than most people my age. But why not me? That's always in my mind.
Which brings me to Adoption Stories. Since I am sick and can't breath (runny nose turned into severe sinus headaches and that feeling of my head being 200 lbs) I am lying on the couch watching Adoption Stories.
Which gives me more angst. I feel guilty for not accepting adoption into my heart. I could love any child. My own or someone else's. Under any circumstance, hell, that is basically my job. But I cannot accept the process. You decide to adopt. You get background checks, criminal checks, they check to see if medically you are healthy (who is these days?) and then they check to make sure you are sane (yet again, who is these days?) then they see if your marriage is durable and loving. Major issue here, anyone can fake it until they believe it. I've watched people adopt 6 different children, and then just months after the last child was official they divorced. It came out that the wife had been "living a double life" and had a man on the side for 8 years of her 14 year marriage, and she played a step mom to his 2 kids. But this entire time they were considered to have a healthy marriage. INSANITY!
Then they do a home study, which we would fail because we have a "banned breed". Nevermind the fact that she loves children and is working to become a therapy dog. And we have a "normal dog" who has what we consider puppy autism and cannot be trust around children***. Then you wait. And wait. And wait. Then when you do get the call, you dish out thousands of dollars to get the child. Wait some more to make it official, and wait some more to make sure that nothing goes wrong. I think that sounds AWFUL! Give me a child today, and I promise, no matter what I will love and care for that child. But if I have to jump through hoops just to get that chance, and worry that the child may be taken away before he/she is even in my arms, I'm not okay with that.

*** A is a wonderful dog. For 2 people. Any choas and he can't handle it. We have tried trainer after trainer, and while we still use some of their methods, we have realized that he is this way due to genetics, and that we just need to love him, and keep him away from others for his own safety. If we had a child it wouldn't be different. Our house has the ability to be sectioned off into atleast 5 different parts. A hangs out in his "room" (the cupboard under our stairs) and in his daddy's game room. And of course outside. He has to be kept away from M most of the time. If a bunch of kids were to run through our yard, or someone show up, or something scare him, or something along those lines, he wouldn't know where to send his emotions, or how to deal with them. So they come out in anger and angression. Its all fear and anxiety based. So he could harm M. He has bit me twice, but once he has realized it is me, he has immediately ran away to hide. I usually ignore him, (he has never broken my skin) and let him calm down and he will come see me when he is ready. He has never bit my husband. When he gets really scared we usually can rub his butt (which calms most dogs) and talk in low voices and depending on the situation we may take him to his room. The cupboard is insulated so he can't hear things as loudly, and it is dark, so he isn't in "sensory overload" so much. During tornadoes the cupboard is our only spot to go, so one of us holds him, and the other holds M, and then the cats are in a carrier. A has done very well. I usually hold him, just because we have to sit indian style (or the more correct term "hot cross buns") in order to fit, and A weighs around 80 lbs, and if he steps on my husbands baby makin' equipment I may never get a child. So, A is mine in emergencies. A also has a weird obsession with my step dad. My step dad loves bulldogs. Loves. Loves. Loves. And A is a bulldog. So even as a baby, A would run to my step dad while M went to my mom. Its just their thing. A always got over excited upon seeing S.D., but as a 10 lbs doggie it didn't seem like a big deal. But once he hit 50 lbs it became a big deal. He bounces, and jumps and goes crazy. (He can't control the agression, so it has come out before but S.D. Knows how to calm him) so usually we just have to give A a little break and time to realize "My grampy is here and I get to see him!" And slowly we reintroduced "Grampy". A has a small entrance to his "room" or "hidey hole" as I like to call it. So after A has come out to say Hi we send him back in, and then wait for him to calm down, then my SD can talk to A, and A will talk back (he talks a lot. He even says Maaaaaaaaaaoooooaaaoaoooaoaoaoam when he wants me and Ggggrrrrrrraaaaag usually means dad) and then after A's talking gets quieter, my SD will walk to the entrance and pet A, then usually my SD will climb in to A's hidey hole, and they'll hang out in there. They wrestle, and snuggle and talk. Its seriously like an episode of "wolf man" or the "bear whisperer" who ulitmately got ate, so ill stick with "wolf man". But A is a good baby, he just has special needs. And honestly, as the vet and the last 2 trainers have told me, giving him to someone else, is giving someone a loaded gun, and if we put him down, I would feel guilty, because I know that if my child had special needs, and was a danger to himself and others, I wouldn't kill my child. So I won't kill A. We just have to protect everyone, so A stays in his hole when anyone besides my Mom and SD comes to visit, and when he goes outside we are usually in the mudroom watching him, or we are outside with him.

As for right now, the freezing rain has hit us and is pushing the snow off the roof, and the icecicles are falling by my window, and its scaring me. M is calm, so I know it isn't a burglar, but dammit I'm still afraid! A is oblivious. He is a sleepy guy right now.

Anywho, I'm going to post this and then see if I can get back to sleep. More job hunting today as it is my only day off until next monday.

Bobi