Today

Today it hit me. I don't really have a job. I will get called in when they need me. Dispite 4 people (all friends of mine) calling off today, they still didn't need me. It will have to be like WWIII before I get called in. So, What is a Jobless, Pregnant Woman to do?

Swim


I took my friend and her 2 children swimming in the pool! This is day 4 of the swimming. Everyday.

Last summer I would have enjoy it a bit more. I don't think I can jump into a pool. So, I scoot in. Not as much fun. I am also tryingto avoid the mask of pregnancy, so I apply sunblock to my face and chest. This isn't working. After several days, I am PINK. I know, not too big of a deal, but if I keep this up, pink may go to red. Apparently sunblock must be reapplied. Uh-Huh. Who wants to get OUT of the pool to apply? Not my friend's little one!

He is also pink. Dispite her chasing him trying to dry him, then applying it, only to have him immediately jump in the kiddie pool, then redry, reapply, and hold him hostage for 10 minutes until we figured it had dried well enough, the kid is still PINK. It hit 101 degrees here. So, we played in the pool, everyone drank multiple bottles of water, and we took a trip inside every hour or so. We also bought turkey to make sandwiches.

I didn't realize that after we ate, my friend left the turkey on the counter, knowing her little one would want to eat again in a little bit. My Momma has a kitty. A bad kitty. A naughty kitty. When her older daughter wanted a snack and had to pee, we sent her inside to grab the turkey and bring it out. She ended up coming out with oranges and apples, which work just as well, so we ate those. When we went in an hour later, certain that we would feed the children half sandwiches, eat whole ones ourselves, and be back in the pool in 15 minutes, we found an empty deli bag by the back door.

Apparently my friend's daughter went in, and found a kitty stuck with his head IN THE BAG and saved the kitty. But thought the kitty would get in trouble, so she brought out oranges and apples instead. She forgot to hide the evidence though.

My other friend, let's call her Coco, is in Hawaii. Greeting her husband. Right now. As he returns from Iraq. He is stationed there for at least a year, so she took a semester off school, moved don there last month, and has spent that month on the phone with me asking to borrow George. She has dealt with giant cockroaches that hiss and fly, a gecko who is now her nightstand buddy, giant spiders, scary neighbors, furnishing her first place, and all the military crap along the way, without anyone else. I have sat up till 6 am our time, helping her with allof these issues. The cockroach one was awesome. Her screaming made her neighbors run outside to try and see in her window, they shouted at her, asking if she was okay, and she invited them upstairs to kill the cockroach (the same cockroach I had spent 20 minutes convincing her that cockroaches don't eat humans). Husband in Iraq, all alone, 3000 miles from home, and let's invite a random man to come upstairs to my fabulous new apartment and kill a bug! That is COCO!

I just met her 6 months ago, but she is possibly the nicest person I have EVER MET! She also got me hooked on a certain wine, that while cheap, is amazing and highly addicting. I want it everyday. I only enjoyed 3 bottles in the month before I got pregnant, and that just wasn't enough. I am not really a big drinker, tequila shots every 2 years, strawberry daquiries with my mom once or twice a year, and I had NEVER enjoyed wine. Now I do. Oh, and I drink champagne on my anniversary (ha! not this year, anniversary is in 5 days) and at weddings.

The parent debacle. Oh my. So, for the last few months, my step dad has not been able to pay his cell phone bill. So, we just sent over whatever my mom needed to pay it (we have 5 of us all on one plan) and were done. Well, now we are struggling, and couldn't do it this month. My mom is ever diligent and kept track of how much we gave her for my step dad's bill. $679. For my step sister and step dad. Now, we have to pay our taxes (we pay every 6 months) for the house, and that is our last $700. So, my mom told my step dad on Friday "Stacey as paid for nearly 6 months, she is hurting right now and could use some cash. She won't be paying the bill for you this month, so I need the money or the phones will get turned off." All of this after a month of not seeing him. He never even got back to her. So, she turned off the cell phones. My step sister's boyfriend called and asked if he could pay their bill this month and pay me back. I said "SURE!" Apparently he had $400 in birthday money and wanted to help them out. So, I told him how much the bill is this month, and how much I am already owed. He said "Oh man! No way can I dish out that much!" and told my sister the grand total. She told other sister who told brother, and they all confronted my step dad, and said "Why didn't you pay?" He doesnt let his kids, even though one is 17, one 15, one 14, know his finances, so he became enraged. At me. For telling the boyfriend the amount.

I was trying to help you! And help myself! So, now the break is complete, siblings are with their dad, their dad hates my mom and me for everything, and I am back to being the only, lonely child I was 5 years ago when my mom met him.

This is soooooo much drama. We aren't usually so drama filled.

I am also sad. My child will not know the giant holiday meals. Or have aunts and uncles. Or know these people. It breaks my heart.

What is wrong with me?

I am not feeling it. No, not the baby. I feel him/her at least once a day. Usually more.

Pregnancy.

I refuse to believe it is real. I can't even fathom all the things I need to do. The idea of preparing a nursery makes me feel like an actress. I am not pregnant. I can't be. Someone else is pregnant and I am just pretending it is me. I am just daydreaming. This can't be real. I don't get this lucky.

I have heard that (never actually read anything to prove it) infertile women have a higher rate of PPD than fertile women because they refuse to imagine life after delivery. I can imagine me with a toddler, but never me with a newborn. I can picture me in a hospital holding a baby. But not me bringing home a baby in a carseat and all that jazz. I am petrified of PPD. When (Yes, when, because I do acknowledge that this baby is happening) I finally get my gift, I want to enjoy it. Not have all those awful feelings I hear about.

I also feel like I can't share this with anyone because, I begged, pleaded, prayed, for this. And now it sounds like I don't want it anymore. It is not that. It is me, not accepting it. I thought it would seem real when I felt movement, then when I felt frequent movement. Now I am saying, it will feel real once I know the sex. But will it ever feel real?

My mother buys all the neutral baby items she sees, and I think "Whoa, what a waste of money, I am not REALLY pregnant." George has the same thing I guess. He sees me come home with some size 3 diapers and his eyes pop out of his head. We won't really have a baby who wears diapers will we?

Speaking of diapers. Cloth diapering. Someone share their knowledge here. What will I need? Where do I get it? What brand do you use? I plan to cloth diaper at home, but when we are out and about, use disposable diapers, because let's face it, who wants me rinsing poopy diapers at their house? Also, do I need one of those attachment thingys for my toilet to rinse the poop off? What are they even called? Are they available at a hardware store? Will my husband think I am crazy if I ask him to attach it and microwave some chocolate chips onto a cloth diaper so I can see just how hard it will be to get poop off a diaper?

I can have these thoughts. Then I think "Pfft! Another daydream." What is wrong with me?

Oh, and this whole pregnancy eating thing, it is weird! I am not a good eater. Pre=pregnancy I ate 1 or 2 meals a day. Now I eat constantly. Within 2 hours of one meal, I am preparing another! If I eat at 11 pm, I will wake up at 3 or 4 am starving! And I have to eat. HAVE TO. George thinks it is funny! Not funny. Annoying. And it isn't like I want food. I just need food. Right now, sooooo not hungry, but I know I have to eat because that evil growling and tumbling is already starting.

What is wrong with me?

I have been demoted

I love my job. Well, loved.

The new head teacher left early Wednesday and said "Here is the sunblock, put it on 10 minutes before going outside and sign the kids medical forms saying you put it on." I agreed and did exactly as she said. We went outside where it was 80 degrees, and the kids began to sweat, and were wiped sweat off their face with their arms, and some just let it run down their faces.

Then I looked over at one of my little girls who started to cry. I found no reason for her to keep crying but she kept rubbing her eyes. So, I looked at her sweaty, teary eyed, face and realized her eyes are red and irritated. I took my kids inside and called for help from the director. We rinsed their eyes (by this time 4 of my 6 kids were crying) and washed all the sunblock off their faces and arms. Then the director grabs the sunblock.

Apparently, last week a memo went out to all the head teachers that this particular brand was not sweat proof and water proof and had irritated the preschooler's eyes, so it was NOT to be used.

The director asked me where I found this bottle and I explained that my head teacher had got it out of our medication container and handed it to me. I also explained that it matched what the medical sheets for the kids had said. "Generic Baby Sunblock. Applied to exposed skin as needed." This was Dol.Lar Gen.eral baby sunblock. Obviously generic and it said "Baby" on it.

So, I explained to 3 or the 4 parents what had happened, and they laughed and some even said they had made the same mistake before, no biggie. But the last mom was pissed. Apparently the office said "Oh yeah, the teacher just put too much on her and didn't get it all rubbed in and that is why her eyes are like that." The Director didn't want everyone to know that A) she had used petty cash to buy the sunblock for each room. B) A failure in communication was the reason this sunblock was in our room and C) That the school was in any way at fault. Just the teacher.

This teacher.

So, I got a call this morning. I am off for te next 2 days ("Just so everyone can calm down.") and this mother has requested that I "never work with her child again". Yep, because I am an idiot who can't rub sunblock in and uses too much. Apparently, even though I have been applyng sunblock to people professionally for 6 years, and personally since I could walk, I don't know enough to rub it in.

My coworkers who were not there to witness the truth, are also being told the same thing.

And now, I am a sub. The lowest sub on the totem pole (Which is actually a good thing if it is a real totem pole). Want to know how many people are ahead of me? 31. If 25 teachers can't cover a shift, and 6 other subs can't cover a shift, then I get to work it. I have seen the girl ahead of me maybe 3 times in the 4 months I have been there.

What am I guilty of? Doing what my head teacher told me to do.



Finances.

HA! What finances? We have had to spend all of our savings in the last 2 months. We have NONE. No more. At all. We have exactly $198.74 in our bank. That is checking. Because I had to empty the savings completely this week so we could afford to pay off our debt. We have gone from having $6000 to having $198.74! In 2 months. And now I won't be bringing anything in. Again. I will be lucky to make $100 in one pay period!

Gee, who's real name is George, told me to see about support. I doubt we qualify. If they go by last year we won't. We will be making $30,000 less this year than last year. I have worked for a much lower pay since leaving the evil company and going to the school, and I haven't worked as much, and now I pretty much won't be working at all.

What the hell am I going to do? At this rate, we won't even be able to buy baby things. It will be essentials only. Crib. No changing table. Receiving blankets. No snuggly silky blankets. I probably won't even be able to buy my own kid an outfit at this rate! Screw maternity clothes. If I am not working I might as well stay naked and maybe buy 1 or 2 shirts for when I have to go out. We are so screwed. George's check, is enough to cover the basics, like bills. And cheap cheap cheap, not enough to keep up with my pregnant appetite, groceries. My checks always covered groceries and spending money. If I had to go on bedrest, that is considered temporary disability and at least I would get something!

So, I guess I will fill out a request for assistance at Job and Family services and live off the government for awhile. Because honestly, it is hard enough to find a job around here, let alone find one when you're pregnant.

UGH! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?