Did I ask for this?

I love being pregnant. But I can't believe I actually am. That I am nearly 16 weeks, that a BABY will come of this.

Everytime I have some wonderful pregnancy symptom I think I am imagining it. I feel like a liar when I take my prenatals or read a pregnancy book or look into birthing classes. I feel like a faker when I go to the doctor/midwife and hear a heartbeat. Surely there is some mistake, that cannot be from a human being growing inside me?

It feels so strange. Also, I think I am measuring a little above 16 weeks. My uterus has hit my belly button, which THEY say happens around 20 weeks. Although THEY also say that during the 2nd trimester growth tends to be different for each fetus, but can we really we hat far ahead? Is it different because of the miscarriages? Who knows. When it/he/she comes we will be happy.

When we went to the ER for the kidney stones, it was the first time my mother had ever heard my full blown medical history. She knew we had had a miscarriage. She just didn't know we had so many. The following week she went to the doctor with me, and then went to work with me to hand in the paperwork for me to return. She told THEM about our losses. Without even a glance at me. (I don't mind people knowing. I think it is important for people to realize that not everyone gets a positive test and a baby a few months later) We have never discussed the losses. Ever. But she knows now. She didn't ask why we didn't tell her. Hell, the woman knows my bowel movement pattern enough not to call betwen 6pm and 7pm, but she didn't wonder (out loud anyway) why we kept the miscarriages a secret.

I guess some things are easier to talk about to strangers rather than to my mother. She raised me. She held me after break ups, bad grades, mean friends, and everything else, but I just could not look her in the eye and let her know something died inside of me. That my body failed me. Isn't that pretty much how every miscarriage feels? Like your body is a failure. Like you are a failure. So why don't I feel like a success carrying to 16 weeks? Because it means I have 24 to go? I don't know.

After a recent loss at 16 weeks for the writer of a blog I enjoy, I couldn't enjoy 12 weeks. Twelve weeks is not the safe point. Twelve weeks is just making it to first base. You have second and third left before you can even attempt to make it home.

Gee is getting into this baby thing. Reminding me that the baby cannot survive on mashed potatoes alone, that I can't go out and buy new furniture for the bedroom, that I can't replace the carpet throughout the first floor because we have a BABY on the way.

Carpet! Ugh! So, our carpet is old berber carpet from possibly the early 90's. It has stains that allow us to see where the old owners had their furniture. But why replace it? In a year I will have a stain monster running around. In 2 years I will have a toddler running around with leaky sippy cups and dirty poopy diapers. Why would I ever subject new carpet to that? So, when I post a picture of a child playing on stained carpet, don't look at the carpet. Please.

Will I really have a child? Like 18 years of worrying, guiding, helping? I want a baby. I don't want a teenager! My siblings exhaust me enough as it is, and I am not even their parent!

Oh, and now for fun pregnancy symptoms. My nose. My sinus cavity! UGH! One week my nose, face and throat feel fine, the next week I use a box of tissues and run to the bathroom to hack up phlegm. This week is the awful nose week. Next week I will feel fine. It usually starts like yesterday with some congestion. Then on day 2, today, i leak like a faucet, both down the throat and out the nostril. On day 3 I will want to bang on head against the wall due to pressure and have to hold a tissue to my nose all day thanks to SNOT! Then on day 4, I am jhust plugged up, can't sleep, can't breath, and hate life. Day 5 I leak all day, day 6 I start to feel better, day 7 I feel great, which lasts about 7 days. My evil pregnant nose has stayed with this pattern since it started GROWING last month. The BOOKS say my nose will shrink, once again to it's cute button self, but I am doubtful. Right now, I have a schnozz and I don't like it.

I also had to come home from work early today, for another stone. This one must have been small because it only took maybe 8 hours. But who can work when you can't even stand up? My poor toddles, (I am sick of saying toddler and have to spice it up) they wanted snuggled and loved on and carried, but a woman can only do so much when she is experiencing pain that is equal to labor pains. By the way, is this really equal to labor pains? My cysts are worse. More intense, more sharp, this is just a cramp that won't go away. If it came and went (like contractions) I think I could handle it much better than I do my cramps. Gee noticed this.

On our trip home from Kentucky, I had cramps and I would grab his hand (while driving) and squeeze and moan for a minute, then it would feel okay for a bit. I did this for 6 hours. Then got home and started my period within a few days. With the first kidney stone I just moved around trying to get comfortable and bitched a bit. I really didn't want or need to hold anyone's hand, I just wanted someone to notice how much pain I was in and be sympathetic instead of making "it's probably just gas" jokes. So I think I would rather have kidney stones than cysts. If labor feels like cysts, I will probably punch a nurse or two, if it feels like kidney stones, I can tough it out if I get some damn sympathy.

Great birth control idea for teenage girls, give them a kidney stone and cysts at the same time and tell them that is exactly what labor feels like. I would STILL be a virgin if I had both at the same time. No thank you!

Anywho, it is 4 am, and Gee is wrapped up in my blanket freezing under the a/c, and it looks wonderful. I think I might go join him.

Bobi

p.s. What was your favorite and least favorite pregnancy symptom? I think my nose is worse than morning sickness. But my favorite symptom is the cravings. If I want pizza, I get pizza. Hmm Maybe this is why I gained so much weight....

My First Mother's Day (kind of)

So, Sunday morning I woke up with some pressure. In my vah-jay-jay. Some period like cramping, and a back ache from my lower back to the bra strap area. I tried walking around, tried a hot bath, they dulled it but nothing significant. I called the doctor. The midwife called me back and she wanted to get the OB's opinion before deciding what to do, but she suggested laying down with a pillow between my legs. I fell asleep. Three hours later the doctor had not called.

I bitched to Gee who was, by this point, ready to have a heart attack. I called the midwife back and explained how now it felt like the pressure was gone, but it hurt in my back more. She said it could be a bacterial infection or a cervical issue and that I may have laid wrong.

I prayed for the laying wrong idea and a bacterial infection. (At this point an std or BV sounded like an awesome idea) Then everything went away, except for the the back pain, which by now i felt in my right side right below my rib cage. Sadly, you have probably already figured this out, but it took me an hour.

My mom came over to hang out for Mother's day (Midwife also ordered me not to get out of bed for any reason other than peeing) and when she walked in and noticed how messy my house is, she began cleaning. Leaving me writhing in pain, alone in bed. Gee thought something was wrong with the baby and was upstairs trying to deal with it in his own way, bitching to friends and killing people on xbox.

I felt like I could not get comfortable. No matter what. I tried everything. I was stretching, trying weird positions, making Gee rub my back (when he came downstairs) and everything else I could think of. It did not work. I tried getting into the tub (while Gee is upstairs and my mom is cleaning) and it still hurt. By this point I knew I had a kidney infection.

I went to my mom, bawling like a baby, and said "Just take me to the ER" and then started explaining how I am such a wimp, how am I going to birth a baby if a damn kidney infection takes me down?

She and Gee took me to the hospital, laughing and making jokes the entire way. Gee even proclaimed that once they checked the baby, he was walking home. So, I threatened to beat them, kill them, and walk the rest of the way myself. They shut up.

Then we got rushed right in , and they took my BP, oxygen and pulse. My pulse was high for anyone, my BP was 130/80 (I am generally 60/80 and have actually been asked if I am alive.) My oxygen saturation was 88. It hurt to breath, hurt to cough, laugh, smile, be alive! And nothing would take it away. My Mom joked that it would suck if these doctors were making such a big deal and then we found out it was gas. Gee joked that I am pregnant, and with pregnancy everything always comes back to gas.

I threatened their lives again and switched positons another 200 times. The doctor rushed in, checked the baby, and realized, their ultrasound machine was not meant for OB and couldn't record the heart beat. So, they tried doing it another way, which came back as 216 beats per minute! They said that yes, he was agitated and his heart was fast, but they did not think 216 was accurate. But, he definitely could not get comfortable just like me. I assume that everytime I moved, he moved, and I was trying EVERYTHING to get comfortable, which means I was flopping around like a freaking fish out of water. Poor BFM.

Then they let me pee, and did an ultrasound on my kidney. Which was healthy, and fine. So they checked my left kidney, healthy and fine. Then right as they finished they came in with the results of my pee test. No infection. But blood. Then, as I switched positions for the 100000000th time, they asked "Are you having trouble getting comfortable?" I burst into tears, and Gee said "DUH!".

They explained how the blood and me not being able to get comfortable meant kidney stones. They could not do a CAT scan since I am pregnant, but explained what was going on and that my bleeding Friday was probably not related at all. So, I am still on severely restricted pelvic rest and I am waiting for a pain that will "make sure you don't need an epidural during labor". FUCK!

I also got vicodin. I questioned them, I called my nurse, I asked the pharmacist, they said with kidney stones, vicodin is okay. It would lower the heart rate slightly, and make him sleepy. So, I popped that bad boy and 30 minutes later I was eating a big juicy burger and living the high life.

But I am me, so I used my phone to talk to Dr. Google. Apparently, when a woman has kidney stones, it will put her in so much pain, that she may go into premature labor or miscarry. So, death of baby, or lower heart rate and drowsiness, I pick heart rate and drowsiness.

Gee and I agreed though, that while the stones were traveling from my kidney to my bladder, I would take the vicodin, but I would make sure to leave an hour break for BFM to feel normal.

HA!

The vicodin wore off 5 hours later. Five! Not the 6 the bottle says! I ended up vomiting. All of my burger and fries. Which was the ONLY thing I had ate all day. Apparently pregnant me says "Ouch! that hurts, lets barf!" It did not work. Still hurt. So, Gee said to just take the pill. So, I took it 15 minutes early. Then an hour later, I got the shakes. And dizzy. And the general "I need food" feeling. My blood sugar was 42. Gee made me chocolate milk (not sugar free!) and potatoes and corn. Oddly, that is what I wanted. Starch and sugar!

Then I sat down on the couch, and could not get back up. I was too tired. Gee assisted me to bed, and I passed out! Four hours later I woke up, peed, and felt fine. Then another 4 hours later I woke up and realized, THE PAIN WAS GONE! cue angels singing.

So, the little rock babies who plan to rip and cut their way out of my poor little urethra, are safely in my bladder. I have felt great all day. I get a follow up with my OB in the morning to check on baby fishy monster, and wait for my practice labor that promises to be 10x worse than labor. Dr. Google has me afraid to pee.

So, wish a girl luck, and say a prayer or a hope, or toss some rock baby dust over here. And if you are in Ohio and hear a woman screaming in the bathroom, and she may or may not be using the Bradley Method to urinate, please, keep walking.


Oh, and my mom and Gee, have both been kissing my ass. They feel so guilty. The moment they said "Kidney stones" I smirked at those two! Gas! GAS! As far as I am concerned, they can come enjoy practice labor with me, and I promise to squeeze their hands the entire time!


Bobi