Resolutions

Yes, these needed two separate posts.

I resolve in 2011

• to lose a pound a week. At least until I get my BFP.
• to do pilates more than once a week and actually finish the work out, not just get exhausted after 20 minutes and give up.
• continue my Natural Hair Care quest, that thanks to Jen has changed my hair forever
• to continue using all natural products whenever possible
• to continue to only use 12 rolls of paper towels every 6 months
• to buy more reusable bags
• Continue using TASTE OF THE WILD for my dogs
• start buying herbs (my cats destroy them whenever i try to grow any)
• make my own pregnancy tea
• make my own fertility tea
• find a new job
• go back to school
• send husband back to school

GET PREGNANT!

And This I Swear,

Bobi

Goodbye

2010
January-Finally over h1n1
February-Miscarried. Watched a woman I took care of die. Mental Breakdown
March-Watched the woman who truly taught me how to mother someone die. She had downs syndrome.
April-Lost my job due to medical issues BFN
May-started learning about blogs. Another woman I took care of died BFN
June-One year wedding anniversary. BFN Found out Grandpa was dying. Got new job
July-Grandpa died. Loved new job. BFN
August-hated new job. BFN
September-started working under new boss. Found out she was pregnant. She miscarried. BFN
October-Vacay. Got promotion. New boss, who by then was my bets friend quit. BFN
November-hated job. BFN at beginning of month. got employee from hell. 2 year anniversary of ttc
December-BFP red blood 9 hours later, totally gone by next morning. Had birthday. Old boss told me she is pregnant. Very happy for her, but cant stand how jealous i am. Big Big Boss lady goes over the fact that i missed 3 days for my miscarriage and in the same phone call tells me she is pregnant. With number 2. Bite me Hoebag!

So to sum it all up, I will not miss you 2010. You were the year from HELL!

But, as one of the developmentally delayed gentlemen i cared for always said "G'God, I am lookin' up"

So here is to 2011! May it bring baby dust to all, and forever be known as the year I got my baby. God Bless Everyone and may all your hopes and dreams for 2011 come true!




Bobi

Eclipse.

There is an elipse tonight. I will be staying up to watch it. With coffee. I hated caffeine my entire life. It has never been a big thing in my life. For the last 6 months I have consumed maybe 10 caffeinated beverages. Seven of those have been since my miscarriage. All French Vanilla. YUM!

A Tale of Two Text Messages.

Wednesday morning i woke up, went to the bathroom, got ready and went to my employees house. Then I used her bathroom and went to work. Then i sat all giddy and giddy and happy at work. Then i felt wet and went to the bathroom and proceeded to walk through the rest of my day as a zombie until i got to my car and called my doctor. Why? Let me explain.

Last Wednesday I started spotting. Then stopped. Then started. Then stopped again on Friday and didn't bleed after that. Seeing how i was on day 49 of my cycle i was eagerly anticipating a period. So, Wednesday morning, a week after the spotting started, i went to my employee's house and used one of her pregnancy tests. (She is pregnant but had 2 or 3 leftovers from failed cycles) It was positive. So at 2 pm i left her house, grabbed a bite to eat and went to work at 3. Super excited. And plotting one of the many ways to tell Gee.

I worked and smiled all day.

Then around 10 I felt wet. And I went to the bathroom. And i had bright red blood. And immediately upon seeing it, i started cramping. Luckily i had black pants on, so i faked it for an hour and then ran to my car, and paged my doctor.

So, that night, i sent out two text messages. The first:

I'M PREGNANT!

The second:

And I'm 99.9% sure I'm miscarrying.

And i was right.


But when i went to the doctor, the nurse tried to tell me that it is possible to get a false positive right before a period. I questioned this saying "Unless I'm taking something that boosts my hcg there shouldn't be. It wasn't an evaporation line, and i haven't recently given birth." And she made a face and left.

So i came home and googled like a mofo and yea, I'm right. I am a little frustrated that the nurse assumed i was a dumb ass and tried to tell me what i wanted to hear. So, here is to you Leslie, may God grant you all your wishes in regards to children and may someone kick you in the head.

Bobi

Final Meal?

If you were getting your final meal before a deat sentence, how would you like it?

Me? I would need 20 days of last meals. I would eat everything I have ever limited myself on. Everything bad for me. Everything that I know will kill me the next day. That is how I like my pregnancy announcements.

In the last year atleast 20 people I knwo have announced pregnancies and I believe as of a few days ago, all of them have miscarried or given birth. Seriously, 3 miscarriages atleast 17 births I can think of off the top of my head. Oh, and just remembered 1 more who is for 4 or 5 months along.

I dread these announcements like any infertile. But, I also still have hope for myself and I try to imagine what I would do and say to other infertiles if for some reason the "just relax" method I am using right now worked. Or if after IUI (which is seeming like an impossible goal) we succeed. (I have not come to terms with IVF ever being needed, so let me ignore that topic.)

I have always figured everyone is different. But when I asked my fellow IFers (several IF friends in real life now that I have started speaking out) they all felt my theory was best.

I love babies and pregnancies, they are devine. So, I would want to know, I would feel bad if someone intentionally did not tell me because they were afraid to hurt me. I also love hearing the different stories about experiences, symptoms and funny stories.

I would want someone to tell me in a text.

Preggers: Hey, How are you?

Me: Good, just getting off work, about to eat something, shower and go to bed.

Preggers: Oh yea, I made meatloaf for dinner. I had a great day. How about you?

Me: Yea, i had a pretty damn good day myself. Why was yours so great?

Preggers: Well, I have been feeling a little iffy lately and I took a test. I am pregnant.

Me: OMG THAT IS AWESOME! SO EXCITING!

And then the conversation to end. The preggers needs to just leave it at that until I ask for more torture. And I will once I have recovered and spent some time in bed crying.

This is my last meal. I like a nice appetizer with a quick meal and NO dessert! I will ask for a hot fudge cake if I want one! And I will.

How would you like your last meal?

Bobi