Did I ask for this?

I love being pregnant. But I can't believe I actually am. That I am nearly 16 weeks, that a BABY will come of this.

Everytime I have some wonderful pregnancy symptom I think I am imagining it. I feel like a liar when I take my prenatals or read a pregnancy book or look into birthing classes. I feel like a faker when I go to the doctor/midwife and hear a heartbeat. Surely there is some mistake, that cannot be from a human being growing inside me?

It feels so strange. Also, I think I am measuring a little above 16 weeks. My uterus has hit my belly button, which THEY say happens around 20 weeks. Although THEY also say that during the 2nd trimester growth tends to be different for each fetus, but can we really we hat far ahead? Is it different because of the miscarriages? Who knows. When it/he/she comes we will be happy.

When we went to the ER for the kidney stones, it was the first time my mother had ever heard my full blown medical history. She knew we had had a miscarriage. She just didn't know we had so many. The following week she went to the doctor with me, and then went to work with me to hand in the paperwork for me to return. She told THEM about our losses. Without even a glance at me. (I don't mind people knowing. I think it is important for people to realize that not everyone gets a positive test and a baby a few months later) We have never discussed the losses. Ever. But she knows now. She didn't ask why we didn't tell her. Hell, the woman knows my bowel movement pattern enough not to call betwen 6pm and 7pm, but she didn't wonder (out loud anyway) why we kept the miscarriages a secret.

I guess some things are easier to talk about to strangers rather than to my mother. She raised me. She held me after break ups, bad grades, mean friends, and everything else, but I just could not look her in the eye and let her know something died inside of me. That my body failed me. Isn't that pretty much how every miscarriage feels? Like your body is a failure. Like you are a failure. So why don't I feel like a success carrying to 16 weeks? Because it means I have 24 to go? I don't know.

After a recent loss at 16 weeks for the writer of a blog I enjoy, I couldn't enjoy 12 weeks. Twelve weeks is not the safe point. Twelve weeks is just making it to first base. You have second and third left before you can even attempt to make it home.

Gee is getting into this baby thing. Reminding me that the baby cannot survive on mashed potatoes alone, that I can't go out and buy new furniture for the bedroom, that I can't replace the carpet throughout the first floor because we have a BABY on the way.

Carpet! Ugh! So, our carpet is old berber carpet from possibly the early 90's. It has stains that allow us to see where the old owners had their furniture. But why replace it? In a year I will have a stain monster running around. In 2 years I will have a toddler running around with leaky sippy cups and dirty poopy diapers. Why would I ever subject new carpet to that? So, when I post a picture of a child playing on stained carpet, don't look at the carpet. Please.

Will I really have a child? Like 18 years of worrying, guiding, helping? I want a baby. I don't want a teenager! My siblings exhaust me enough as it is, and I am not even their parent!

Oh, and now for fun pregnancy symptoms. My nose. My sinus cavity! UGH! One week my nose, face and throat feel fine, the next week I use a box of tissues and run to the bathroom to hack up phlegm. This week is the awful nose week. Next week I will feel fine. It usually starts like yesterday with some congestion. Then on day 2, today, i leak like a faucet, both down the throat and out the nostril. On day 3 I will want to bang on head against the wall due to pressure and have to hold a tissue to my nose all day thanks to SNOT! Then on day 4, I am jhust plugged up, can't sleep, can't breath, and hate life. Day 5 I leak all day, day 6 I start to feel better, day 7 I feel great, which lasts about 7 days. My evil pregnant nose has stayed with this pattern since it started GROWING last month. The BOOKS say my nose will shrink, once again to it's cute button self, but I am doubtful. Right now, I have a schnozz and I don't like it.

I also had to come home from work early today, for another stone. This one must have been small because it only took maybe 8 hours. But who can work when you can't even stand up? My poor toddles, (I am sick of saying toddler and have to spice it up) they wanted snuggled and loved on and carried, but a woman can only do so much when she is experiencing pain that is equal to labor pains. By the way, is this really equal to labor pains? My cysts are worse. More intense, more sharp, this is just a cramp that won't go away. If it came and went (like contractions) I think I could handle it much better than I do my cramps. Gee noticed this.

On our trip home from Kentucky, I had cramps and I would grab his hand (while driving) and squeeze and moan for a minute, then it would feel okay for a bit. I did this for 6 hours. Then got home and started my period within a few days. With the first kidney stone I just moved around trying to get comfortable and bitched a bit. I really didn't want or need to hold anyone's hand, I just wanted someone to notice how much pain I was in and be sympathetic instead of making "it's probably just gas" jokes. So I think I would rather have kidney stones than cysts. If labor feels like cysts, I will probably punch a nurse or two, if it feels like kidney stones, I can tough it out if I get some damn sympathy.

Great birth control idea for teenage girls, give them a kidney stone and cysts at the same time and tell them that is exactly what labor feels like. I would STILL be a virgin if I had both at the same time. No thank you!

Anywho, it is 4 am, and Gee is wrapped up in my blanket freezing under the a/c, and it looks wonderful. I think I might go join him.

Bobi

p.s. What was your favorite and least favorite pregnancy symptom? I think my nose is worse than morning sickness. But my favorite symptom is the cravings. If I want pizza, I get pizza. Hmm Maybe this is why I gained so much weight....

Friday Night Leftovers The Welcome Back Edition

I am back! Go back a few posts to get caught up. I don't blame you.

My body is still sore. Ugh! UGH! UGH! No one should ever have to work while pregnant.

Let's begin:

• Do you have any of those friends who constantly invite you over to THEIR house, the one 20 miles away, but then won't drive over to your house to pick you up to go out shopping at Old Navy for $1 flip flops? Yes, I get that after gas you aren't really saving any money, but when I drive over every Saturday night to hang out and do nothing with you just for girl time, I expect the same. I drive to this woman's house and drive her out to dinner, drive her to the mall, and all over, but she can't pick me up to go shopping even once? OH EM GEE! She is going garage saling (once a year every town here has giant sales and so we always troll for good crap) in a town 4 miles from me! The next town over! She must not want to hang out with me. Which is mean. There is no other excuse.


• My best friend is amazing. She is making me 10 meals to freeze for when the baby comes. She is going to come make them in October. EXCITED! She is a chef, so I like when she cooks.


• Wore my last remaining pair of non-maternity jeans today. The no-gap waistband ones that were kind of stretchy. They can't stretch that much. I put them on, and felt the reaction.


• Oh, so at 16 weeks they say I can't feel anything. Lies. The way my placenta is, they say I should feel a little bit more tha usual, but I have felt "a little bit" since 11 or 12 weeks. Liars.

That is all I have.

Maybe Danifred has more.

Bobi

WORK

Work killed me today. The preschoolers are graduating, so they had a carnival. Because the space they held the carnival in was close to my room, they booted us out so they could use our room for some games. Meaning my toddlers, between 19 months and 28 months, got to play in a preschool room that had nt been toddler proofed. Ten toddlers. Chalk. Markers. Little pieces. Scissors. One big comfy teacher chair. (We don't have one in our room so they fought over this nonstop)

My favorite maternity shirt (I have like 3) is covered in chalky handprints. By arms are killing me from lifting. MY BACK! Oh, my! I could hardly get up the stairs to talk to Gee. Yes, it was a slightly more stressful day than usual, but really, I think my body just forgot how to work in the last few weeks.

I am still trying to fix my schedule. I am fooling myself and trying to sleep more than 6 hours at a time. I would like to go to bed at 10, pee at 4, wake up at 730, nap at 9, wake up between 11 and 12, and be at work by 1:30. HA! Doubt it.

I canceled our cable. We have to come up with an amount close to my average monthly income (mine not Gee's) by June 20 in order to settle some past debts. Otherwise, well, I honestly don't know. Not working for 2 weeks is going to hurt. I think I will get an 8 hour paycheck. WOOOOOO!

Anywho, I am obsessed with Californication, and since I didn't cancel my internet, (I still have cable till Monday) I can watch it online. Plus, we have net.flix. An xbox. A library within walking distance. And PUPPIES! (M and A may be turning 4 and 3 on July 18 and August 18 respectively, but they are still PUPPIES!) And summer is coming. I want to spend my morning and evenings in a pool, afternoons at work, and nights sleeping or snuggling with Gee.

Anywho, back to Californication.

Bobi

Probably short, but sweet.

I go back to work in a few hours. I don't want to! I enjoyed our schedule.

Let us begin when Gee gets home.

730a wake up, make Gee dinner and me breakfast. Lounge around and do nothing untl Gee is ready for bed.

1030-12ish Snack, Lay down with Gee for my nap, and his sleep.

2-3 Wake up, eat, get ready for the world Go visit if I am on pelvic rest/facebook and read when I was on bedrest (not as fun)

6p nap

9p wake up get Gee ready for work

4 am back to sleep.

This really worked for us. Ever since 6 weeks or so, this is the schedule my body has wanted. I hate having to fight my body. Right now my goal is to stay up until 5, sleep until 11, and then get ready and make it to work. Then after I get off around 6, I can nap until 9, get Gee out the door, and then hopefully be tired enough to go to sleep by 3 am. I am trying.

I only work Thursday and Friday, so I will probably fall back into my current schedule for the weekend and have to do this all over again on Sunday/Monday.

We plan to find out the sex. I have very specific wants/needs for a nursery theme and Gee is convinced, no color is neutral. He thinks green is a boy color, yellow is a girl color, and anyone who disagrees is just looking for an excuse to buy us baby stuff. I dont think people need an excuse to get me free stuff. I am not complaining.

Themes?

Why thank you for asking!

CareBear for a girl. With one room (yes, our nursery is 1 room that is broken into a playroom/bedroom) purple, one room pink.

Moose (M's nickname) and brown and white puppy dogs. It ain't easy finding Moose things for a baby. But I found some wall decals, a friend has agreed to attempt to draw M(she is brindle and very intricate), and we will go with one room tan, one room blue, then have dark chocolate brown and blue bedding and just find a ton of Moose, A (white dog), and M (brown or brindle) stuff.

So, I have my BB set so it doesn't vibrate for emails. Or make noise. I never paid attention before, but in the last week, I have noticed that most spam emailers send their crap at 4 am. WTF?

What else?

M has discovered the baby. Big time. She was loving on me when I was on bed rest, and she leaned down and put her ear on my upper stomach. Then jumped and wiggled down lower and listened. She held so still. Then "MRRRRRRRRRRR" and he kicked and even though Gee can't feel it yet, M reacted. She jumped back and looked at my belly like "Whoa! Where the hell did that come from?" I love her.

While Gee got ready for work today I showed him my new game. I push on the left, and feel something push back about an inch over. I push on the right, and feel something over on the left. I spent all day playing this game while sitting around doing nothing but eat. Gee played but he swears he can't feel it so it was useless. It just feels kind of like checking a pulse. Only this heart is arms or legs. And sporadic. Just a little bump* then nothing. You have to concentrate and pay close attention. Gee sucks at that.

I look fancy and beautiful in my maternity shirts. Empire waist, I love you. I have never felt so lovely. I mean, I feel great, my belly looks great, but my FACE! Pregnancy acne! Oh, and my chest, back and arms. I got a zit on my wrist! Another on my BOOB! Is there no cure? Nothing is working! My face is so oily you could fry something on it! I use toilet paper, baby wipes (my beauty must have) and everything to wipe my face off during the day, but even that, combined with washing it everytime I notice it, is not working. I even put peroxide on the one on my boob and wrist. Took those bad boys away in a day! Seriously, can I rub peroxide on my entire face? Dry it the hell out?

Eating. Good LORD! Every 2-3 hours. I think that is usually what wakes me up! If I lay down too soon after eating I will get acid reflux. If I wait too long, I wake up to a rumbling and nausea! A GIRL CAN'T WIN! I don't know how to afford my eating habits. I eat half a bagel, and an hour later I need the second half! I eat an apple and a banana and an hour later, I need more! I ate chinese. Which I knew would not fill me long. The portions were the size of a watermelon. I ate half. An hour later I got home with the leftovers and ate the other half! Good LORD! What is wrong with me? I bought $150 worth of groceries for $81. (I am learning to shop the sales so that I have some money left over to satisfy my cravings.) I have ate it all. Since Sunday. Well, I have 3 bagels, half a packet of cream cheese, half a carton of eggs, 1 slice of cheese, some mixed veggies, and 3 lbs of frozen hamburger. That is all that is left. Gee is a pig. But I am now a giant pig. It disgusts me. Why am I like this? What is wrong with me? Is this just pregnancy? Is everyone like this? I am only 15 weeks!

Oh, cute moment. So, Gee and I watched "Look Who's Talking" the other day. In the scene where she chugs the entire gallon of apple juice, then they cut to the baby who is pulling on the cord saying "Hey, let's get some apple juice down here." Gee turned to me and said, "Great, now at least I understand the chugging. And the moaning." I moan when I drink. It allows me to get more in faster or something. It is really just a loud exhale, but Gee calls it moaning. That is the back story. Today Gee came home. Without milk. I text him twice last night reminding him that I need milk (milk and burgers are my biggest cravings) or I will die. I woke up, dying to go chug some milk, and NO MILK! I had vowed not to leave the house today. I needed a day to lay around and do nothing one last time before work tomorrow. When Gee got up, he refused to leave early and run milk home. So, I went without. Then Gee sent me a picture from our ultrasound, with "Hey, let's get some milk down here" TOO CUTE!

Anywho, it is almost 5. Goodnight/Good Morning.

Bobi

AKS= After Kidney Stones

Life is better. I feel better. And we settled the spotting issue.





My placenta is slightly low, and the way the baby is positioned, he (yep still saying he and not it) beats the crap out of it anytime I piss him off. Scary wolf-like dog trying to jump our fence to kill us? Bleeding within an hour.





Mom yelling frantically, sending me running towards her, bleeding within half an hour.





Make me jump, and I will kill you.





Luckily, my placenta is already growing farther up, isn't a previa, and should be taking care of this without any medical intervention. So, I am off bed rest, pelvic rest, and all rest.





WOOT!





Gee and I must've needed some action because last night (after the doctor gave us the okay) we were too tired to have sex. So we went to sleep. At 10 pm I kissed him. This lead to him kissing me, and while still being halfway asleep, we did the deed. And no bleeding. But I did feel the baby moving after sex. Which was weird, but I was too tired to psychoanalyze this.








Still waiting on 2 stones. Not coming. They hate me. They'll come Thursday between 130 and 6 when I start working half days. This will be my first day back. I agreed to start off doing half days, but I would love a real paycheck, not just some measly little thing. Although, we do plan on me just doing halfdays when the bambino comes, for now, I like money.





Our financial situation sucks right now. We have to get Gee a new job. He is dying. They told him that since he missed 2 consecutive days for ME and not for himself, he has to go on FMLA. HAS TO.

So, he submitted the paperwork and for a week now they have been looking for a reason to turn him down. Or erm, reviewing his request.

Baby's heart beat was 152 yesterday. He gets mad. Easily. Well, anytime I wake him up. From what I understand, my placenta is next to my bladder. So, I feel his feet on my bladder, then his arms on my stomach. He comes up above my belly button. Which is creating a cool line. I have 2 pouches on my belly. The highest one if organs and intestines that have been pushed up, the lower one is baby, poop, water retention and poop.

At the first appointment, I had gained a pound of poop. Second appointment, 4 pounds, but I had already ate and hadn't pooped in 3 days, I weighed 2 lbs less the next day. This was my 3rd OB appointment and GASP! I gained 10 lbs. Like 10 from the start of pregnancy. I am 15 weeks and I have gained 10 lbs! I have a goal of only gaining 15-20! I think this ia mistake. In a week I went from gaining a total of 5 lbs, down to a total of 3 lbs, and then up to 10 lbs! I know I was on pelvic/bedrest and all, but COME ON!

And no one said anything. I posted on FB "What did I eat to gain so much weight?" and my cousin replied "A baby! Don't you know that while they weigh 1/2 an ounce in there, it really computes to 30 lbs outside? duh!" I wish I could accept that. My mother even said "Kind of shocked they didn't mention the weight." Oh, and she weighed 100lbs when she got pregnant with me, and she only gained 22 lbs and lost 18 lbs by the time I was 3 months old. A year later she wore a size 2 dress that she borrowed from my cousin (who was 16) to her company's Christmas party. Anyone ever get the urge to slap their Mama?

My Thyroid is cured! Well, for the time being. They say it is impossible, but I had the same thing happen to my best friend. She became HYPO after her daughter was born. Then 4 years later she got pregnant with her son, and somehow it went away and has never come back. Our shared endocrinologist says we are crazy.

Anywho the same best friend just called.

Bobi

Goodness! I need to post more. I am soooo sorry. I promise, I will update atleast once a week. Cross my Heart.

I drink 200 ounces of water a day, that is just water, I also drink milk, and sprite throughout my day. I pee every 2 hours. I seriously cannot survive without a bottle of water.

Gee is a butt. Seriously, I understand he does not want to get his hopes up, but pick up a book! I am not lying when I say that I cant make dinner because the raw meat will make me hurl. I am not lying when I say that I will cut you if you eat my breakfast again.

Last night I sat my breakfast (rolls from texas roadhouse) in the microwave. I planned to eat 1 roll and toss in a breakfast link and walk out the door at 720 am. Instead, at 716 my husband says he ate my roll and all the breakfast links, and I start to panic. I have about 20 minutes before the hurling will begin if I do not get something besides water and tums into my stomach. So, I drive to the gas station (going 50 in a 35 so I wont be late) and get some stupid peanut butter crackers, and eat them on my way to work. Then I realize one of my toddlers has a peanut butter allergy. And I have it on my hands and I cant get it out of my mouth. So, I have to waste an entire bottle of water gargling, chew a nasty old piece of gum, and scrub my hands, all before I can go into my room. Now do you see why I am going to cut him?

So when I explained why breakfast is so important, he said "The baby doesnt know if you dont eat! You'll be fine."

IT IS NOT TH BABY! IT IS THE HORMONES THE BABY IS CAUSING DIPWAD!

Essentially I have solved all morning sickness issues. I drink a bottle of water when I get up as I swallow 2 tums. Then I get ready and eat my breakfast as I walk out the door. When I get to work, within an hour it is snack time, so I snack. Then I eat lunch at work. It is healthy toddler food, so I get alot of fruit and veggies. Then 2 hours later it is snack again, so I snack. This small toddler portion every 2 hours or so works great! Then I work 4 hours, and the moment I get to my car, I snack on something else. Then I come home, eat something quick, easy and not involving raw meat, and I go to bed.

This weekend was a test. There is not enough food in my house that does not involve raw meat. So, I ate taco bell and a mcdonalds milkshake. This goes against all my eating principles. But it was good. Sometimes you have to eat some crap in order to survive right?

We are having all kinds of drama with insurance. I think it has been settled, I will be going on Gee's insurance. I just hope I can get enrolled in time for my doctor's appointment. Also, thyroid issues, the last time I actually made it to a doctor before I miscarried, I was told to stop my thyroid medication because I was producing enough during pregnancy. Well, I hope it is the same this time because I kind of slacked and forgot to order my thyroid pills before my insurance ran out. And since I am due to see my doctor again, I can't get him to order me any until he sees me. And he can't see me until June. Even after I told him I am pregnant. So, I looked in my pregnancy book and it said I should take them, but that undiagnosed hypothyroidism has been linked to lower IQ scores but no studies have been sure if that was the exact cause. SO? Am I okay? I figure, Gee has a very mild aspergers, so his IQ is out of this world, but his social skills suck. I have a slightly above average IQ but my social skills annoy the crap out of Gee (aka theyre fine) so I am fine right? I promise I will drink some OJ right now (even though I currently detest OJ) and make sure I pop some DHA. Worse comes to Worst, my obgyn will come up with a solution and everything will be fine. (I am putting myself in a total bubble here and not stressing about anything can you tell?)

Also, all my toddlies (as I mentally call them) are sick. The cough almost sounds like croup and theyre taking turns running a 101ish fever. I sent a few home today. After they coughed, sneezed, and sweat all over me with their little sad sicky poo faces! (I am a sucker for a sick crabby child. I held a 32 pounder for an hour just so she could nap until her mother got there.)

Anywho, I should eat something.

OH! Congratulations SARAH!

And Jen!



Bobi

Why Herbal is Better

I have been taking Dong Quoi, Evening Primrose Oil and Black Cohosh. What did they get me? Cramps, vomiting, headaches, etc. Why?



Prayers welcome.

Bobi

HELP WANTED!

And needed.

So, Wednesday will be 7 weeks since the miscarriage. I still have not bled. A friend of mine (old boss who is now pregnant!*) had an extra test. She took a test on my birthday and it was positive at like 11 at night after eating and drinking all day. I informed her that I would rather wait, but I hadn't peed all day, so I said what the hell.

BFN

But I am not taking it too serious. But I am also not getting my hopes up. Plus, from what the wise interwebs have told me, my uterine lining will be thinner since the miscarriage and it can take several cycles to get back to normal.

If I have not bled, Friday morning I am making Gee bring home a test for me to urinate on. I find myself urinating on a lot of sticks these days.

On a lighter note, my employee who bleeds every 28 days, and for 3 or 4 days each time, (she says she always starts after 1 pm but before 8 pm, how ODD?) had a condom break. She said she has been a wreck all weekend over it. But I am a smart cookie so I set off to do some math. If your first day of your last period was the 10th, and you had sex on the 28th, you are not pregnant. I know this because, I am a SMART COOKIE!

Oh, and BBBB will not be sued. Just because PregnantEmployee is doing her stna classes anyway, and is out of there after her maternity leave anyway. (She worked 72 hours last week and has realized why I hate my job. I love her now) (and no I didn't schedule her for that, she picked up 30 hours. I am not that mean)





*Old Boss became pregnant thanks to Doctor WONDERFUL! I am looking into him. He had a consultation with her in November, and looked at the blood work her old OBGYN ordered, and said "This test, this test, this test, and this test, are useless." She still had them done, and went back to her old OBGYN and they said "Everything is fine, you need IUI" So, they provided her with no reason for her miscarriage but said she needed IUI. She wanted a second opinion so she had ANOTHER FREE consultation with Dr. WONDERFUL and he informed her that her B6 is very low, that she has a chromosomal abnormality causing that, and that she does not need IUI as of yet. She took some vitamins and minerals, and BAM! She is pregnant within 3 weeks! They check her progesterone, she needed some. She has taken some. She is 9 weeks. FARTHER THAN SHE HAS EVER MADE IT! Very proud of her. And Dr. Wonderful!


Bobi

Miracles

A few years ago my cousin, who has Endometriosis, became pregnant with her second child just 12 years after being told she would never have children. Her first son was conceived when she was 19, and married to a man who never wanted children. They used a condom and birth control just in case. The condom broke. But she could never have children so no one worried. Her cycle was irregular so no one worried after 2 missed periods. But in November 2000 my cousin, who is more of a little brother or a nephew to me, was born. As for her second child, she wa conceived just 8 months after my cousin had part of her cervix removed. Sure she was stuck on bed rest for 4 or 5 months, but she got her second miracle baby after so many years of trying and failing.

Now for the current miracle that has had me thinking all afternoon. Congradulations to R. who has been blessed with a New Years Miracle herself. I will be saying many prayers for her and I hope you will too.

Both of these miracles make me smile, shiver, believe in God, and grasp at what little hope of a "natural" conception I may have. I instantly told my mother, father and husband about R. the moment I read my reader. Miracles are possible and one should never give up on them.

Bobi

A Tale of Two Text Messages.

Wednesday morning i woke up, went to the bathroom, got ready and went to my employees house. Then I used her bathroom and went to work. Then i sat all giddy and giddy and happy at work. Then i felt wet and went to the bathroom and proceeded to walk through the rest of my day as a zombie until i got to my car and called my doctor. Why? Let me explain.

Last Wednesday I started spotting. Then stopped. Then started. Then stopped again on Friday and didn't bleed after that. Seeing how i was on day 49 of my cycle i was eagerly anticipating a period. So, Wednesday morning, a week after the spotting started, i went to my employee's house and used one of her pregnancy tests. (She is pregnant but had 2 or 3 leftovers from failed cycles) It was positive. So at 2 pm i left her house, grabbed a bite to eat and went to work at 3. Super excited. And plotting one of the many ways to tell Gee.

I worked and smiled all day.

Then around 10 I felt wet. And I went to the bathroom. And i had bright red blood. And immediately upon seeing it, i started cramping. Luckily i had black pants on, so i faked it for an hour and then ran to my car, and paged my doctor.

So, that night, i sent out two text messages. The first:

I'M PREGNANT!

The second:

And I'm 99.9% sure I'm miscarrying.

And i was right.


But when i went to the doctor, the nurse tried to tell me that it is possible to get a false positive right before a period. I questioned this saying "Unless I'm taking something that boosts my hcg there shouldn't be. It wasn't an evaporation line, and i haven't recently given birth." And she made a face and left.

So i came home and googled like a mofo and yea, I'm right. I am a little frustrated that the nurse assumed i was a dumb ass and tried to tell me what i wanted to hear. So, here is to you Leslie, may God grant you all your wishes in regards to children and may someone kick you in the head.

Bobi

Test Day!

Tomorrow is test day number two, clomid wise. I have a close friend, Lee we will call her, who has a 21 month old son, A. Lee and i are on the same cycle. Exact same day for everything, and she is also trying. Her son, A, was an accident, but totally wanted. So, she is not infertile. Since we are on the same cycle we are testing the same day, and sharing our 2ww together. Plus planning our timed sex together. We are dorks.

Tomorrow is our test day, we will pee, and text each other. We are so excited and hopeful. But, i have no signs besides more cervical mucus. And a BBT of 98.86. Which is nowhere near period. Yes, i know clomid can mess that stuff up, but i still like to check it, and its been pretty normal.

But, now i have this fear, what if she is...and im not? How crappy will i feel. It is horrible for an infertile woman (anyone who has tried for a year and not succeeded is considered infertile) to compare herself to a fertile woman. We just arent the same. Will i cry, will i be jelous. Afterall, she already has one, and ive got nothin besides miscarriages to show for my hard work. But, i would love to be happy for her.

Also, another friend, we will call her Amy, just shared her news. She is my ex coworker and best friend. She is just coming out of a woman-woman relationship. They had been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for a few months. Then, they broke up at the start of the month. Amy, gets her period the day after me. So similar cycles. She took a test yesterday, and when she didnt see a second line after a minute, when she saw the first, she threw it away. I told her to recheck it last night. She did. YUP! It is positive. So, just to be safe she retook this morning and yep, its negative for the first 2 minutes and then at 3 minutes its positive. The test said 2 minutes. So, while she is still unsure, im pretty sure she is pregnant.

The moment she stopped trying, she gets pregnant. Isnt that how this stuff works. For fertile women anyway. For me, thats just not gonna happen.

Dispite all of this praying and hoping, i just dont think i am. You see, i cheated, i took a test an hour ago. Yes, it is diluted pee since ive been up all day, and yes it is the day before my period is even due. But if Amy can get a positive so soon, i want one too! I am going to try again in the morning but, i will try. I have my hopes up and down, i think it will be a BFN but i am sooooo sure it be a BFP. Wishful thinking.

Bobi