Baby Shower and 31 weeks

I had my 31 week appointment on Friday. I gained 8 lbs. Yep, 8. I expressed my concerns and explained how I haven't changed my eating patterns in the last month and couldn't understand why I suddenly gained so much weight. They checked the results of my glucose test and found the reason. My sugar was 74. Meaning I am just slightly above being considered hypoglycemic.

Apparently this means my body is storing the carbs for sugar, which is why I gained so much. They want me to cut my carb intake in half (GAH!) and increase my protein. And eat every hour or two. And I thought eating every 3 hours was hard! Now I have to eat every hour ot two AND make it low on carbs. Yikes. I love carbs. They're my life. So, I need some healthy snack options that are low in carbs and high in protein. And don't you tell me nuts!

I eat peanut butter. But I generally don't enjoy nuts. I will eat them sometimes, but I won't actively pursue them. Not my style.

Moose had her appointment a few hours after mine. She amazed me. Not in a good way.

This dog walks everywhere off leash. I use a leash when we walk through town, but only because it is the law and George worries that something could startle her or another dog could come along that we don't know, or that something quirky could happen. But we were running late for the vet, so I forgot a leash. Bad Mama.

My mom went ot the vet with us since George had to sleep for work and I needed moral support in case something happened.

When we got out of the car, Moose walked right up to the door, sniffed and booked it! I shouted her commands, and she still ran back to the car and didn't look back. She does not like the stinky vet. So, we had to go in and get a cheap leash from the vet and drag her to the door. Then she wouldn't step up for the 1 step to go inside. Normally, when I am not pregnant, I will lift this dog like a toddler and carry her. But I am pregnant and would probably pull every muscle in my body if I did that right now. So, my mom lifted Moose's front feet inside the door. and I heard "God damn! How the hell..." and some grunting from just that. Apparently, Moose isn't easy to lift anymore. And my mom is a strong woman. I guess she just isn't used to lifting my baby.

Then we get inside and Moose tried to run back out! What the HELL? This is not my dog. The techs were awesome though and got us inside a room right away to calm her down. Then we had to weigh her. Normally, I could have got Moose on the scale and said "sit" and had an easy weigh in. Nope. She was just all about making me look bad. She had to be held and then for 3 seconds we all let go of her and got a weight. My baby weighs 76 pounds. She is usually between 60 and 70. I blame pregnancy. We're all getting fat over here.

Then we got back into the room. And normally, I would have lifted Moose onto the exam table, said "stay" and been fine. Nope. My mom didn't even try and the vet said not to worry about it. He checked her, she basically ignored him and just gave me dirty dog looks. Seriously, the vet tech kept laughing. This girl knows how to work her Mama and test my patience.

The vet said she has a yeast infection in her ears. They aren't mites. Just yeast. Apparently, dogs ears are the perfect temperature for growing yeast. He recommended that we start selling the yeast or learn how to make bread. He said the pond water probably caused this. So, when Moose swims, we need to clean her ears after. Then gave us drops (that he does not want a pregnant woman to touch) to use. So, for 14 days, twice a day, I get to clean Moose's ears with some solution, then George gets to put the drops in. He has the easy job. But Moose is calmer for me. So, it evens out.

The vet said he doesn't want to do blood work, xrays, CAT scans (dog scans for the sake of Moose's self esteem. She holds herself in higher regard than a stupid cat) or anything yet. Until Moose's seizures show a definite increase he doesn't want to mess with her. But if she does have them once a month or so, he said it may be wise to look into it. And he likes the way I hold her. He had a dog recently who had a seizure outside and bolted into the ditch, and then seized again and drowned. He said that since Moose gives me signs, and I recognize those signs, we don't need to restrict her in any way, we just need to make sure we are always close enough to react. So, if we are swimming, I am sure she would have 20-30 seconds (at least, probably more) to get close to me or to shore. So, she just won't be swimming the entire pond until I feel more secure. We will try to keep her close to shore or at least close to where I can touch so I can hold her head above water. This seizing in water thing is very scary to me. She loves to swim. She hates to be told no.

So, besides the yeast infection, this was kind of a waste. But I feel more secure knowing that I am doing things correctly and that we have a plan.

Moose hates this medicine in her ears crap. But she did try to sleep through it yesterday. Tried. The cleaning solution is room temperature, so it probably isn't too bad. But the medicine itself has to be kept in the fridge. She does not enjoy that. Poor baby. Also, going to buy stock in the cleaning solution company because we will use an entire bottle in the next week, and then need another of rthe next week, and then need probably a bottle a month in the summer and at least 1 bottle in the winter. Not that much? Yeah, you go price this stuff.

Baby Shower!

Yesterday was my baby shower. It was great! Everyone loved getting together and some new friendships were made. Plus, my 2 aunts came out, and I rarely see them, and some friends I hadn't seen in awhile came. Very nice.

My complaint?

For the registries (one at a cheap store, one at a more expensive store) I checked all the major items customer reviews, played with the items in store, and checked safety ratings. I put some work into this. A lot of work really. I also tried to find things that would match our decore. So calm, neutral earth tones. None of this loud crap. I also made sure I had items from $5 to $300. Something for everyone.

Not a single person, bought a single thing off my registry. Either registry.

Luckily, I did get some gift cards. So, we are taking those to get my stroller/carseat in the next week or so. Bad fetus is playing with my bladder. I don't need to pee, leave it alone!

They (my family and friends) did the same thing for my wedding. Nothing off those registries either. They just hate registries. Well, I am never making another one! Ever!

In my family, and the area I live in, you only have 1 baby shower unless you wait like 10 years for baby number 1, 2, 3, 4, so I will probably never have another chance anyway.

I did get some nice items and everyone respected my anti-pooh stance.

I feel like I should explain this to you.

Since 1997 when my cousin A was born, everyone I know (sans 2 or 3 friends in recent years) has done Winnie the Pooh. Those 2 or 3 friends, were all within the last 14 months. Before that, all pooh! YUCK!

So, Pooh reminds me of babysitting, then of crappy unoriginal friends, then of infertility. Watching all these parents with their POOH crap stroll on by to the land of parenthood while I sat helplessly waiting. Pooh hurts me. Like the idea of Huddy in a POOH stroller or carseat with POOH blanket, actually makes me a little nauseated. It must be an infertility thing. Either way, I was given 1 POOH bottle as a joke. I refuse to look at it. Huddy has not healed me completely, even though I am now extremely confident in the fact that I WILL be getting a baby. Perhaps some things cannot be healed?

I am very excited to put together what items we did get. Huddy is too. He started kicking George's butt at 6 am. George is still asleep. He apparently doesn't realize that Huddy knows he got gifts, and he wants me to play with them.

Huddy also wants breakfast. I want a pb&j on toast. But carbs. I should make eggs. But that is messy! Okay, it makes one pan. But that is 1 pan more than my pb&j.

Off to figure this out....

Amazing

Our pregnancy is nothing short of amazing. So, let's review.

In week 10 we discovered that Huddy was just Huddy, no twins, thank goodness. Twins run on my side and even some triplets. We were relieved to find out we just had 1 bundle who looked like a starfish.

In week 12 we got to see just how handsome Huddy is. He was a big head with tiny appendages and he threw a fit when the tech made me move all over to wake him up so she could get her measurements.

In week 13, I started spotting. Had a freak out moment and was put on light duty and pelvic rest. My work couldn't accomodate this, so I got 2 weeks off. Two days later, on Mother's Day, I woke up in extreme pain. I thought I pulled a muscle. Then I thought I had a kidney infection and was a huge baby for making my mom and George take me to the ER for an infection. Turns out, it was Kidney Stones! Huddy's heart rate was high, mine was too, plus my BP was twice it's normal amount (I'm always low) and my oxygen was 2 points above the point where I would have been admitted. It hurt to be alive, let alone breath!

We survived it all, and after that, things got better. Sure, everything we own decided to break down, but we survived. I went back to work for a week or two, and then I was told to be a sub. And never called back. At 27 or 28 weeks I got unemployment. Very exciting stuff. We can finally afford to get Huddy STUFF!

Yesterday at 29 weeks and 6 days I learned how to use a push mower, and mowed our side yard. Only stopping to ask George to help pull up my pants. I couldn't pull the start thingy myself, so it was easier of I just held on (so the mower didn't turn off) while George tucked my maternity pants back up to my boobs. I am sure our neighbors loved watching this.

Nesting. It has appeared to come and go, sometimes I get a ton of energy and just clean. Like a madwoman. Then it goes away and I am lazy and tired. Last night/yesterday, it was bad. I did a week's worth of work in a day, and couldn't stop until 2 am when I just felt too achy to continue.

We found out we're rich. Apparently my unemployment means we don't qualify for anything. Not even a free breast pump! Which every single one of our friends has qualified for. Yet, we make less than them. Still trying to figure this out.

Last night I also learned that I will not be buying a crib. My friend from childhood, a male, is buying it. Which makes me very happy. He had hinted before, but I hadn't heard anything for months, so I was planning to buy it today and pick it up this weekend. Nope. YAY! CRIB!

Huddy is playing games with me. Not the fun kind where I push him and he pushes back. This game is called, "Breech? Or Not?" You see, this little fetus thinks he is soooooo funny! He spends a few days turning himself so he is just about ready to drop down in my pelvis, and then he changes his mind and come right back up. So, off and on for these few days I have some pressure, some hip pain, some toes under my ribs, and can eat, then he comes right back up and I can't even eat a whole piece of pizza! According to my book, this could continue until birth. NO IT WILL NOT! I am about to open up my belly and turn this kid myself and inform him that if he moves again, I will stop eating oranges. Which are his favorite. He kicks like crazy after an orange. And garlic.

I am 30 weeks today. 10 weeks until Prince Huddy is here. He just kicked up high enough where I felt it in my boob. And again. He's a happy little guy. Just took a break top watch my belly, and it DOES move when he kicks. So amusing!

I now need to get him in a mood to do this again when his Daddy is awake, and have him record it. Then put it on youtube so I can share it! So amused!

He has kicked 2 more times for Daddy. Very good boy. I am about to stand on the street and charge people to feel my belly. Everyone wants to touch it! He still has only moved for his Grandma, Graham Cracker (what I called MY Grandma, his Great-Grandma) and his Daddy. But we could change that. 9 pm and 7-8 am are his usual awake times. He is awake now because I ate. What did I eat? A pear. A hot dog. Ice Cubes. YUM!

Any day now, 3 of the 13 pregnant women in my life will deliver. One has an induction planned for Friday, but I think she will go before then. She is the most important. She is my old boss. Not BBBB, the one who left and made me supervisor. We are still close. And since our boys will be 10 weeks apart, we plan on getting them together. Huddy and her son, Dodge, can be best friends and do boy stuff together. Very exciting. And both their daddies play xbox too much, so they will both probably end up like that. BOOOO!

The other 2 pregnant women? One is a beyotch, the fertile who LOVES PREGNANCY and thinks it is so easy and getting pregnant was so easy. BLAH! We don't plan to let Huddy associate with THAT baby. (We don't see them often, so it won't be a problem)

The other is a friend from high school. We never hung out, and still don't, but we talk a lot. It's her second daughter and she is my venting buddy. We bitch to each other.

Huddy's calming down. Must be nap time in my uterus.

Makes me sleepy just thinking about it. Better go do something to keep me awake!

Did I ask for this?

I love being pregnant. But I can't believe I actually am. That I am nearly 16 weeks, that a BABY will come of this.

Everytime I have some wonderful pregnancy symptom I think I am imagining it. I feel like a liar when I take my prenatals or read a pregnancy book or look into birthing classes. I feel like a faker when I go to the doctor/midwife and hear a heartbeat. Surely there is some mistake, that cannot be from a human being growing inside me?

It feels so strange. Also, I think I am measuring a little above 16 weeks. My uterus has hit my belly button, which THEY say happens around 20 weeks. Although THEY also say that during the 2nd trimester growth tends to be different for each fetus, but can we really we hat far ahead? Is it different because of the miscarriages? Who knows. When it/he/she comes we will be happy.

When we went to the ER for the kidney stones, it was the first time my mother had ever heard my full blown medical history. She knew we had had a miscarriage. She just didn't know we had so many. The following week she went to the doctor with me, and then went to work with me to hand in the paperwork for me to return. She told THEM about our losses. Without even a glance at me. (I don't mind people knowing. I think it is important for people to realize that not everyone gets a positive test and a baby a few months later) We have never discussed the losses. Ever. But she knows now. She didn't ask why we didn't tell her. Hell, the woman knows my bowel movement pattern enough not to call betwen 6pm and 7pm, but she didn't wonder (out loud anyway) why we kept the miscarriages a secret.

I guess some things are easier to talk about to strangers rather than to my mother. She raised me. She held me after break ups, bad grades, mean friends, and everything else, but I just could not look her in the eye and let her know something died inside of me. That my body failed me. Isn't that pretty much how every miscarriage feels? Like your body is a failure. Like you are a failure. So why don't I feel like a success carrying to 16 weeks? Because it means I have 24 to go? I don't know.

After a recent loss at 16 weeks for the writer of a blog I enjoy, I couldn't enjoy 12 weeks. Twelve weeks is not the safe point. Twelve weeks is just making it to first base. You have second and third left before you can even attempt to make it home.

Gee is getting into this baby thing. Reminding me that the baby cannot survive on mashed potatoes alone, that I can't go out and buy new furniture for the bedroom, that I can't replace the carpet throughout the first floor because we have a BABY on the way.

Carpet! Ugh! So, our carpet is old berber carpet from possibly the early 90's. It has stains that allow us to see where the old owners had their furniture. But why replace it? In a year I will have a stain monster running around. In 2 years I will have a toddler running around with leaky sippy cups and dirty poopy diapers. Why would I ever subject new carpet to that? So, when I post a picture of a child playing on stained carpet, don't look at the carpet. Please.

Will I really have a child? Like 18 years of worrying, guiding, helping? I want a baby. I don't want a teenager! My siblings exhaust me enough as it is, and I am not even their parent!

Oh, and now for fun pregnancy symptoms. My nose. My sinus cavity! UGH! One week my nose, face and throat feel fine, the next week I use a box of tissues and run to the bathroom to hack up phlegm. This week is the awful nose week. Next week I will feel fine. It usually starts like yesterday with some congestion. Then on day 2, today, i leak like a faucet, both down the throat and out the nostril. On day 3 I will want to bang on head against the wall due to pressure and have to hold a tissue to my nose all day thanks to SNOT! Then on day 4, I am jhust plugged up, can't sleep, can't breath, and hate life. Day 5 I leak all day, day 6 I start to feel better, day 7 I feel great, which lasts about 7 days. My evil pregnant nose has stayed with this pattern since it started GROWING last month. The BOOKS say my nose will shrink, once again to it's cute button self, but I am doubtful. Right now, I have a schnozz and I don't like it.

I also had to come home from work early today, for another stone. This one must have been small because it only took maybe 8 hours. But who can work when you can't even stand up? My poor toddles, (I am sick of saying toddler and have to spice it up) they wanted snuggled and loved on and carried, but a woman can only do so much when she is experiencing pain that is equal to labor pains. By the way, is this really equal to labor pains? My cysts are worse. More intense, more sharp, this is just a cramp that won't go away. If it came and went (like contractions) I think I could handle it much better than I do my cramps. Gee noticed this.

On our trip home from Kentucky, I had cramps and I would grab his hand (while driving) and squeeze and moan for a minute, then it would feel okay for a bit. I did this for 6 hours. Then got home and started my period within a few days. With the first kidney stone I just moved around trying to get comfortable and bitched a bit. I really didn't want or need to hold anyone's hand, I just wanted someone to notice how much pain I was in and be sympathetic instead of making "it's probably just gas" jokes. So I think I would rather have kidney stones than cysts. If labor feels like cysts, I will probably punch a nurse or two, if it feels like kidney stones, I can tough it out if I get some damn sympathy.

Great birth control idea for teenage girls, give them a kidney stone and cysts at the same time and tell them that is exactly what labor feels like. I would STILL be a virgin if I had both at the same time. No thank you!

Anywho, it is 4 am, and Gee is wrapped up in my blanket freezing under the a/c, and it looks wonderful. I think I might go join him.

Bobi

p.s. What was your favorite and least favorite pregnancy symptom? I think my nose is worse than morning sickness. But my favorite symptom is the cravings. If I want pizza, I get pizza. Hmm Maybe this is why I gained so much weight....

Friday Night Leftovers

Okay I will make this short and sweet.

• My boss quit. I may end up with head teacher position.


• Almost told my boss "I am pregnant! I can't lift 20 toddlers weights 20-40 lbs 60 times in 5 minutes!" Luckily I did not. Well, she quit about an hour later any way.


• According to Gee it is okay for me to drink pepsi because "You're only like a week and half pregnant anyway"


• bite me bitch. I now officially have a makeshift placenta and a beating heart.


• Yes, that is going into the pregnancy journal.


• If he keeps this up, his child will hate him. "He is only like 3 years old." "Dad, I am in 6th grade!"


• Karma is a bitch. When I spent a weekend throwing up everything, all my pregnant friends said "It gets better." Which hey, better ot not, it is worth it. But now, those bitches are paying. Two of them are surviving on water and vitamins. And one is so sick she has not had sex in a month.


• I am a sex addict. Okay, maybe not, but if I could, I would do it every single day. We are being cautious and probably stupid, and only having sex once a week. Which means, all my weird pregnancy dreams seem to involve sex.


• Example: Gee and I are having sex and right as the big O comes, he pulled away and screamed. Then I yelled at him, and he held up a hand of our baby and said "It is out!" I woke up instantly and stripped the bed looking for our baby who apparently Gee left under the covers to die of SIDS! It took a full minute for me to realize that I have the baby. At all times.


• Pretty convinced I am farther along than I thought. Not sure how. Early ovulation? Just strange.

Thanks for visiting. I am boring and in a hurry to sleep. Sorry about that. It is kind of my thing.

Hopefully Danifred has something more interesting to discuss, even though she is on a visit to see family.

Bobi

WHOA! Jen, you and your family are in my prayers. I will pray for your little angel. I am so sorry. I always think that 12 weeks is some magic number. This reminds me that life after 12 weeks (which I have never experienced) is not always smooth sailing. Jen, Bless you for your strength.

Goodness! I need to post more. I am soooo sorry. I promise, I will update atleast once a week. Cross my Heart.

I drink 200 ounces of water a day, that is just water, I also drink milk, and sprite throughout my day. I pee every 2 hours. I seriously cannot survive without a bottle of water.

Gee is a butt. Seriously, I understand he does not want to get his hopes up, but pick up a book! I am not lying when I say that I cant make dinner because the raw meat will make me hurl. I am not lying when I say that I will cut you if you eat my breakfast again.

Last night I sat my breakfast (rolls from texas roadhouse) in the microwave. I planned to eat 1 roll and toss in a breakfast link and walk out the door at 720 am. Instead, at 716 my husband says he ate my roll and all the breakfast links, and I start to panic. I have about 20 minutes before the hurling will begin if I do not get something besides water and tums into my stomach. So, I drive to the gas station (going 50 in a 35 so I wont be late) and get some stupid peanut butter crackers, and eat them on my way to work. Then I realize one of my toddlers has a peanut butter allergy. And I have it on my hands and I cant get it out of my mouth. So, I have to waste an entire bottle of water gargling, chew a nasty old piece of gum, and scrub my hands, all before I can go into my room. Now do you see why I am going to cut him?

So when I explained why breakfast is so important, he said "The baby doesnt know if you dont eat! You'll be fine."

IT IS NOT TH BABY! IT IS THE HORMONES THE BABY IS CAUSING DIPWAD!

Essentially I have solved all morning sickness issues. I drink a bottle of water when I get up as I swallow 2 tums. Then I get ready and eat my breakfast as I walk out the door. When I get to work, within an hour it is snack time, so I snack. Then I eat lunch at work. It is healthy toddler food, so I get alot of fruit and veggies. Then 2 hours later it is snack again, so I snack. This small toddler portion every 2 hours or so works great! Then I work 4 hours, and the moment I get to my car, I snack on something else. Then I come home, eat something quick, easy and not involving raw meat, and I go to bed.

This weekend was a test. There is not enough food in my house that does not involve raw meat. So, I ate taco bell and a mcdonalds milkshake. This goes against all my eating principles. But it was good. Sometimes you have to eat some crap in order to survive right?

We are having all kinds of drama with insurance. I think it has been settled, I will be going on Gee's insurance. I just hope I can get enrolled in time for my doctor's appointment. Also, thyroid issues, the last time I actually made it to a doctor before I miscarried, I was told to stop my thyroid medication because I was producing enough during pregnancy. Well, I hope it is the same this time because I kind of slacked and forgot to order my thyroid pills before my insurance ran out. And since I am due to see my doctor again, I can't get him to order me any until he sees me. And he can't see me until June. Even after I told him I am pregnant. So, I looked in my pregnancy book and it said I should take them, but that undiagnosed hypothyroidism has been linked to lower IQ scores but no studies have been sure if that was the exact cause. SO? Am I okay? I figure, Gee has a very mild aspergers, so his IQ is out of this world, but his social skills suck. I have a slightly above average IQ but my social skills annoy the crap out of Gee (aka theyre fine) so I am fine right? I promise I will drink some OJ right now (even though I currently detest OJ) and make sure I pop some DHA. Worse comes to Worst, my obgyn will come up with a solution and everything will be fine. (I am putting myself in a total bubble here and not stressing about anything can you tell?)

Also, all my toddlies (as I mentally call them) are sick. The cough almost sounds like croup and theyre taking turns running a 101ish fever. I sent a few home today. After they coughed, sneezed, and sweat all over me with their little sad sicky poo faces! (I am a sucker for a sick crabby child. I held a 32 pounder for an hour just so she could nap until her mother got there.)

Anywho, I should eat something.

OH! Congratulations SARAH!

And Jen!



Bobi

The Crying Post

I am crying as I write this so bear with me.

I took Gee job hunting all day today. We called my Uncle G who retired 4 years ago from a wonderful company that he and 3 other family members either work at or have worked at. He agreed to let us "name drop". So he did. They seemed interested and were actually reading his resume as he left instead of just shoving it in a pile.

When he got in the car he had a friend calling him, so he answered, but I didnt see. And very LOUDLY I said

"If you get this job, I will go get IUI immediately and you can get your new truck if it can fit a carseat!"

Then he said "Oh, hey A"

And A must have asked about what I said, because Gee went on to explain IUI, then IVF, (in terms of "I cum into a cup, they wash the semen so its only sperm swimming around") then what exactly is wrong with us. Okay, me.


A's brother, Big A shall be his name, is close to me so he has heard little bits and pieces, but he is like 19 and oblivious to the world, but A is our future Pastor, he is studying environmental science but has dreams of one day sharing his love of God. So, let the tears fall, Gee put him on speaker and A gave me such a wonderful and inspirational speech that I felt like I could seriously turn around, look in the backseat and their would be a baby.

there wasnt. I checked.

Then Gee talked a little more about it, and his voice started to crack, and his face turned red, and I realized, my husband, who I have only seen cry 2 times, was fighting to hold back tears.


AWFUL! I feel AWFUL! My body is the failure, my body is the reason we do not have a child. Why must HE suffer. He is a wonderful man who loves a woman who has a failure of a body! He does not deserve this!


Then his song came on and I remembered, he did not marry me for children. He married me for me.

Here is his song. It is actually about Rob Thomas's wife who has an autoimmune disorder.



Beautiful.




Bobi

Rich. Whore. Bitch.

Those are the words that were used to describe yours truly as she exited the YWCA this afternoon. I had walked in and was in the middle of culture shock.
Babies on the floor screaming. Ghetto mama's screaming at each other. And no one caring for either.

So after I checked in with the receptionist, I sat my butt down at the chair farthest from the drama and started texting a few friends. Then the receptionist called me back up and I pulled my Coach wallet from 1996 out of my purse and gave her my I.D. and was sent to the fingerprinting room.
When I finished I walked out and stopped to hold the door for a woman carrying in a toddler and an infant. Then I heard "Fucking Rich Whore. Stupid Bitch, thinking she is better than us."
First of all, I do not believe that any living creature is better than another. But I believe we make better choices than others. Sitting there just reminded me how lucky I am. And how unlucky I am. These women probably did not realize I was jealous of them.

They have children. Lots of children. This irony of infertility amazes me. How can a woman living at the YWCA get pregnant but a woman with her own home, a wedding ring, and financial stability not get pregnant?

I am Still Here

I am still alive and well. My new phone will not let me post or comment from it! I am going to see if there is a blogger app or anything I can do to rectify this because I need to be able to comment!

Cleaning job is awesome, but I am leaving it. Why? The preschool/daycare, put me in the toddler room and watched how I interacted with the crazy kids and they loved it. So, they want me fulltime. I would make more money cleaning, but who can turn down toddlers?

That is actually what Gee said when I called him. I said "Honey, what should I do?" and he said "Well, I would love to tell you to go with the money, but I know you cannot walk away from toddlers. Eighteen to Twenty-Four months is your favorite age and they are offering you exactly what you want." He knows me well.

Last night I went bowling with my family and invited my favorite employee, lets call her ASIL, for almost-sister-in-law, since she is my sister's fiance's sister. It is a stretch, but I love her so much I will adopt her into the family. She informed me that my replacement, has left the building. She said one of my consumers chased her out of the building screaming that he wanted me. She put in her 2 weeks within minutes. She didnt even make it out of training. Then after bowling, ASIL went to buy a pregnancy test.
Did I say how i was mentally able to count days for a broken condom incident for a friend, and determined that on day 20 of her cycle, she wouldnt be pregnant? And it only took me a minute? Well, she was 3 days late today, and tested.

I informed her last night that if it were positive, and her I-dont-want-babies-until-I-am-thirtysomething-self got pregnant, I would cry like a freaking baby. She said she would cry too. We laughed it off and thought nothing of it.

This is the text I woke up to:

:'(

I sent:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

She sent: I am losing my mind.

I sent: Me too!

And then I realized she had no one besides her boyfriend and needed a big sisterly or motherly approach and I went into high gear. I went prenatal shopping, gave her my bottle of folic acid, set her up with "What to expect" and a babydotcom account, and opened her developmental disability book and showed her how a fetus develops and how the drink I gave her on day 22 of her cycle will probably not cause long term issues. Then we made a plan, who to tell and when. I helped her make a list of doctors to call (Her mother died when she was 11 and she has had alot of on again off again depression since then) and medicine not to take until she gets the okay from her doctor. Then I got her excited. I talked about how much she loves children, how this is an adventure and she has been given such a wonderful gift and opportunity. I even said how her mother is probably looking down and is so happy for this blessing. Then I hugged my friend and left her.


AND I:


:'(

Cried


But I will make the best of this. I am now the only person in my close group of friends who is not pregnant. Or has a child already. This includes my infertile friends.

I feel lost and alone in this big cruel world. Gee has been taking this cycle very seriously. He has been coming home, getting some food, and having sex with my sleeping body. Yep, because I have to be up at 8 am when I work and the every other day has fallen on my days off. So, sleep sex! It sucks, and I feel bad, but it isnt about feeling good dammit it is about pumping babies!

I noticed, right after Gee left for work Friday night, that I had cervical mucous! It was stretchy. And thick. I had some minor cramps that day but I thought it was sore muscles from working so hard. Then I did some math, realized it was day 12, and called George. He was due to have sexual relations with me Saturday morning anyway, but now he knew to hurry and push in all the way. So, he did. Lets hope it works. I am taking evening primrose, black cohosh, dong quoi, and mucinex. No clomid. I forgot about it in my effort to go all herbal.

Anywho, I have to get Gee up for work.

Bobi

Happy 50TH!

HAPPY 50TH POST!

Eh, not so happy really. Job is great, next Monday I start at the preschool.
Not so great, our taxes. I forgot that this year we have to pay back our Home Buyer's credit. Which is $500. That still means we get a bit back right? WRONG.
Gee's work did not take out any school taxes. So, we owed them a lot. After all is said and done, we owe $150.
I have only owed once before, and that was $18000 from inheritance. This seriously sucks. I would have been happy with breaking even, but paying is just not acceptable. And for the third year in a row I was told "Better start making those little tax deductions" I HAVE BEEN TRYING! Cant I add up that in the last year I have had 2 miscarriages, add them up, which is 14 weeks or so, and claim them for 14 weeks? Or can I just get credit for trying? My best friend has two children, she told me her return.....wait for it...

wait for it......










$7591!!!!!!!!!

I would take 1/100 of that.

Damn babies. I only have a month to get knocked up in order to get one for next year. I am willing to bet $2000 that it will not happen. Any takers?

Oh, and my last infertile real life friend, is pregnant.

I am SO LONELY!




Not my normal musical preference, but dammit, I am So Lonely.


Bobi

Friday Night Leftovers

I will be joining Danifred in Friday Night Leftovers!

• I now have to get a key made. For a car with a microchip. From what I understand this entails getting a key ordered. Having key come in. Towing car to dealership, having them program the key to the car, and then being out atleast $200 for all of the above. All because I dug Gee out of the driveway.


• I am an idiot.


• The dogs are surprisingly peaceful today. I like it.


• My pregnant employee went off on me today because she got called in to work for me this morning. She says I am just making excuses not to work. Oh I Wish! That would be soooo much cheaper.


• And healthier as I have realized all the exhaust fumes really did me in.


• Also, said employee threatened to "kick my ass" next time she sees me. I love her. Gee, upon seeing me lying in bed trying to decide if I should remain professional or if I should just go crazy and I-am-a-15-year-old-girl on her, took my phone away and informed her that she is harrassing his wife, and threatening her, and that he will be calling the cops if she does not grow up immediately and knock it off. She sent one more text of "Call the cops! They cant protect her" and then stopped.


• Which might have had something to do with the fact that Gee called my BBBB and informed her that if said employee did not immediately stop, he would call the police, and because said employee was spouting things BBBB had told her, he would get my company, or atleast BBBB for slander. Apparently, it worked like a charm. Legal? I dont know or even care.


• I love Gee, even if he did hang up on me last night in the middle of my emotional breakdown.


• Also, does anyone have a healthy recipe for stroganoff? At 500 calories a serving, I feel disgusting everytime I eat it. But it is sooooo good.


• Someday I may share my recipe. Someone should remind me, and then I will share one of my 1000 ways to dress up mac and cheese.
• After 7 wks and 2 days, I still have not bled. I have started twice, just small spotting, but that is it! I took a test this morning. I have some black cohosh, and I am thinking about taking it because I got a BFN.

Thank you for joining me in my first ever (and boring because I am too tired) Friday Night Leftovers!

Now head over to Danifred's Sippy Cups Are Not For Starbucks and give her a blogging pep talk because she is feeling a little under the weather and she forgot why she enjoys entertaining us all so much!

Bobi

HELP WANTED!

And needed.

So, Wednesday will be 7 weeks since the miscarriage. I still have not bled. A friend of mine (old boss who is now pregnant!*) had an extra test. She took a test on my birthday and it was positive at like 11 at night after eating and drinking all day. I informed her that I would rather wait, but I hadn't peed all day, so I said what the hell.

BFN

But I am not taking it too serious. But I am also not getting my hopes up. Plus, from what the wise interwebs have told me, my uterine lining will be thinner since the miscarriage and it can take several cycles to get back to normal.

If I have not bled, Friday morning I am making Gee bring home a test for me to urinate on. I find myself urinating on a lot of sticks these days.

On a lighter note, my employee who bleeds every 28 days, and for 3 or 4 days each time, (she says she always starts after 1 pm but before 8 pm, how ODD?) had a condom break. She said she has been a wreck all weekend over it. But I am a smart cookie so I set off to do some math. If your first day of your last period was the 10th, and you had sex on the 28th, you are not pregnant. I know this because, I am a SMART COOKIE!

Oh, and BBBB will not be sued. Just because PregnantEmployee is doing her stna classes anyway, and is out of there after her maternity leave anyway. (She worked 72 hours last week and has realized why I hate my job. I love her now) (and no I didn't schedule her for that, she picked up 30 hours. I am not that mean)





*Old Boss became pregnant thanks to Doctor WONDERFUL! I am looking into him. He had a consultation with her in November, and looked at the blood work her old OBGYN ordered, and said "This test, this test, this test, and this test, are useless." She still had them done, and went back to her old OBGYN and they said "Everything is fine, you need IUI" So, they provided her with no reason for her miscarriage but said she needed IUI. She wanted a second opinion so she had ANOTHER FREE consultation with Dr. WONDERFUL and he informed her that her B6 is very low, that she has a chromosomal abnormality causing that, and that she does not need IUI as of yet. She took some vitamins and minerals, and BAM! She is pregnant within 3 weeks! They check her progesterone, she needed some. She has taken some. She is 9 weeks. FARTHER THAN SHE HAS EVER MADE IT! Very proud of her. And Dr. Wonderful!


Bobi

I am a witch in love.

Okay the witch part. I feel so awful for thinking this so I just have to confess my sins.

My big big big boss is pregnant with her second.
We shall call her BBBB.
She announced her pregnancy in a work news letter that she sent out on Christmas Eve!
Meaning 9 days after I called her crying and told her I would not make it to my monthly meeting of assholes. Yes, I explained why. She said "It is okay I understand, have a day or two to relax."

Bitch.

I believe that the reason i miscarried may have something to do with my issues medically. But i also believe that someone is much more likely to miscarry if every morning at 9 am they have 4 voice mails of "Bobi, call me immediately there is an emergency"

And then Bobi calls and finds out that the emergency is that one of my staff members missed a box on their documentation. CALL THAT STAFF MEMBER! Not me. I know nothing about all of that since it is not my job to know.

But Thanks for the heart attack.

Or the meeting I had 3 days before where I was told I was responsible for fixing all of my last 4 bosses mistakes. (Which I still havent fixed because I cant fix 3 years worth of mistakes in a month. Nope. Cant.)

This boss is newer than I am and was only hired in because she is the high school BFF of the other 7 big bosses. Yes, I have 8 people, who do NOT communicate at all, (Well at least not about work related things) who call me constantly and bitch at me for their misunderstandings and their lack communication.

Yes, BBBB my paperwork is late. Why? Because I am locked out of my office (who is also someone else's home) because you promised to send my consumer something, and failed. So in their anger, they have locked me out. Fix it.

3 days later

Yes, other boss, I am locked out of my office because BBBB promised to send my consumer something, and failed. So in their anger, they have locked me out for the last 3 days. Didn't BBBB tell you that after I informed her?

"No she didn't. You should have personally called me!"

"But BBBB said she personally would tell you." And then other boss hangs up and BBBB yells at me for "tattling".

Yes, this IS the immature company I am working for.

Anywho, BBBB is pregnant and heartless. I have noticed she is missing work quite a bit. (Mind you I cant get off work to see my husband for more than 10 minutes a week and had to pull 4 different favors to get off when I had a temp of 103.7 2 days ago) And each time I find myself thinking"maybe she will miscarry and finally know what it feels like!"
Maybe this is because I know she announced her pregnancy the day she found out, or maybe it if just empty oven envy, but I feel awful for thinking it. But my coworkers agree.

Of the last 4 people in my position at work, 3 of them have miscarried. And ultimately, that is why they left. All of my coworkers know this. So, every time BBBB misses work, someone says "maybe it is her turn." or "i wonder if its the baby."

I just feel like an apology is owed, or some common courtesy or something!



Now for the Love.

Does anyone else look at their husband and think

OH EM GEE! THAT IS MINE! How did I get so lucky?

Because I get that feeling at least twice a week. I love him.

Bobi

Weirdness

So, I am an addict. I wake up with the urge. I fall asleep wondering if I should do it just one more time. I see something on tv, a billboard, a newpaper, and immediately I just have to do it. I feel a pain in my body and I just need to do it.

Yep, that is right folks, I am an exercise addict.

I weighed 110 lbs in 5th grade.

135 in 7th

150 in 8th

135 in 9th

116 in 10th

Then I met my husband.

I weighed around 120 when i met him on June 30, 2006, the day I had my wisdom teeth removed. Swollen and drugged, I went on a group date that ended up at my Uncle's sitting around a fire where my mom told Gee all these awful stories about me and Gee's friend told my mom thet Gee was not sober and had a drug problem. Just what every mother wants to hear. (I thought it was a joke at the time, but it wasnt and within 2 months I had a sober Gee)

At the end of that summer I weighed 145

11th grade i weighed 150

12th was when Gee proposed. So i went on a crazy diet. 1 fruit cup for breakfast, 1 cup of veggies for lunch, 1 sandwich containing meat, 1 fruit cup for dinner. I weighed 125lbs just 4 months after this.

Then we moved out. I started college, I studied and had no time for cooking, so we ate pizza 1 night a week, chicken alfredo and amazing breadsticks 2 nights a week, chinese one night a week and in between we rustled up crap. We didnt even own a scale. We were busy. When we bought our house a year later i weighed
212!

I joined a gym. They said $25.00 a month and i got 2 sessions with a personal trainer. I assumed they meant 2 sessions with him a month. No, 2 sessions for free, then he would charge us $60.00 an hour. But I wasnt told that until after the first month. I had used him 9 times. After everything that I thought was included, our bill was around $800 for that first month. At 19, i bought a home, and my fiance lost his extremely well paying job. We lost $2000 a week in income, I only made like $300 a week! There was no way we could afford that! Hell, we couldnt even afford basic cable or shoes! So, I did it by myself. Somehow every month for those first 6 months i managed to find extra ways of making money. I had a garage sale, we had income tax, i cleaned out my IRA (yes, i was the only 18 year old who had an IRA), I did favors for my mother and friends, and we even sold some of our favorite belongings. I also, went weeks without a real meal. I ate small things, and I worked sometimes 19 days straight, I got down to 184.

Then we got married, which luckily my mother paid for half of, (our wedding only cost us $4000) and then I tried to lose more, but I lost the drive. I started working third shift and it just killed me. I could sleep 14 hours and still be exhausted. Then the husband finally got a job. And then I caught H1N1 which while I only really had it for 5 days, left a lot of long lasting issues. I developed allergies, and my current allergies worsened, I had allergic reactions at work, and it was awful. (Later found out that the place i worked at never informed me that the wall i worked next to, that was covered in plastic sheeting, was growing black mold.)

On New Years Eve I weighed myself. 199 lbs. For a girl like me (5 foot 3 inches) that is rediculous. I will not accept this. So, as I said, I will lose 1 pound a week until I lose 50 pound or until I get pregnant.

Tomorrow is weigh in day. So, to keep me true, and to help me remember, I will post my stats here.

On New Years Day I did:
1/2 an hour of pilates.
TOTAL: 30

January 2:
24 minutes of "Crunch: Sexy Stretches" which is ON DEMAND on Time Warner Cable. (most of these are)
12 minutes of Kendra Wilkinson's kickboxing
9 minutes of Kendra Wilkinsons Booty something or other
TOTAL: 45

January 3:
1 hour of Pilates
TOTAL:60

January 4:
24 minutes of Sexy Stretches
1/2 hour of Pilates
12 minutes of Kendra's Kickboxing
36 minutes of Bootilicious Bod
9 minutes of Kendra's booty thing.
TOTAL: 111

January 5:
24 minutes of Sexy Stretches
1 hour of Pilates
12 minutes of Kendra's Kickboxing
36 minutes of Bootilicious Bod
9 minutes of Kendra's booty thing
27 minutes of burlesque something or other
15 minutes of tae bo something or other
and ran a mile in like 10 minutes.
TOTAL: 193

January 6:
VERY SORE!
24 minutes of Sexy Stretches
1 hour of Pilates
12 minutes of Kendra's Kickboxing
36 minutes of Bootilicious Bod
9 minutes of Kendra's booty thing
27 minutes of burlesque something or other
15 minutes of tae bo something or other
and ran a mile.
23 minutes of Leg Slimmer Toner
32 minutes of Groove and Burn Latin
12 minutes of Urban Striptease
25 minutes of CRUNCH AssAbs
TOTAL: 275 minutes

FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF 714 MINUTES OF EXERCISE.
So, 11 hours and 54 minutes.
Some people will say "IMPOSSIBLE!" but I remind these folks that normally I work 12 hour days and this week, I only worked 6 hours all week. So, I didnt have anything to do. Oh, and that everytime I do anything "Sexy" the husband wants to watch, and I like the attention. Oh, and unless im running or jumping, I do this nekkid. But with socks and tennis shoes. I hate clothes.

So, hopefully tomorrow morning I will remember to weigh myself before I eat or drink anything.

Oh, and calorie consumption....eh one day I ate like 2500 but the rest have all been around 1500 and 1200. If I counted everything I would become obsessed with that too.

Bobi

Miracles

A few years ago my cousin, who has Endometriosis, became pregnant with her second child just 12 years after being told she would never have children. Her first son was conceived when she was 19, and married to a man who never wanted children. They used a condom and birth control just in case. The condom broke. But she could never have children so no one worried. Her cycle was irregular so no one worried after 2 missed periods. But in November 2000 my cousin, who is more of a little brother or a nephew to me, was born. As for her second child, she wa conceived just 8 months after my cousin had part of her cervix removed. Sure she was stuck on bed rest for 4 or 5 months, but she got her second miracle baby after so many years of trying and failing.

Now for the current miracle that has had me thinking all afternoon. Congradulations to R. who has been blessed with a New Years Miracle herself. I will be saying many prayers for her and I hope you will too.

Both of these miracles make me smile, shiver, believe in God, and grasp at what little hope of a "natural" conception I may have. I instantly told my mother, father and husband about R. the moment I read my reader. Miracles are possible and one should never give up on them.

Bobi

A Tale of Two Text Messages.

Wednesday morning i woke up, went to the bathroom, got ready and went to my employees house. Then I used her bathroom and went to work. Then i sat all giddy and giddy and happy at work. Then i felt wet and went to the bathroom and proceeded to walk through the rest of my day as a zombie until i got to my car and called my doctor. Why? Let me explain.

Last Wednesday I started spotting. Then stopped. Then started. Then stopped again on Friday and didn't bleed after that. Seeing how i was on day 49 of my cycle i was eagerly anticipating a period. So, Wednesday morning, a week after the spotting started, i went to my employee's house and used one of her pregnancy tests. (She is pregnant but had 2 or 3 leftovers from failed cycles) It was positive. So at 2 pm i left her house, grabbed a bite to eat and went to work at 3. Super excited. And plotting one of the many ways to tell Gee.

I worked and smiled all day.

Then around 10 I felt wet. And I went to the bathroom. And i had bright red blood. And immediately upon seeing it, i started cramping. Luckily i had black pants on, so i faked it for an hour and then ran to my car, and paged my doctor.

So, that night, i sent out two text messages. The first:

I'M PREGNANT!

The second:

And I'm 99.9% sure I'm miscarrying.

And i was right.


But when i went to the doctor, the nurse tried to tell me that it is possible to get a false positive right before a period. I questioned this saying "Unless I'm taking something that boosts my hcg there shouldn't be. It wasn't an evaporation line, and i haven't recently given birth." And she made a face and left.

So i came home and googled like a mofo and yea, I'm right. I am a little frustrated that the nurse assumed i was a dumb ass and tried to tell me what i wanted to hear. So, here is to you Leslie, may God grant you all your wishes in regards to children and may someone kick you in the head.

Bobi

Final Meal?

If you were getting your final meal before a deat sentence, how would you like it?

Me? I would need 20 days of last meals. I would eat everything I have ever limited myself on. Everything bad for me. Everything that I know will kill me the next day. That is how I like my pregnancy announcements.

In the last year atleast 20 people I knwo have announced pregnancies and I believe as of a few days ago, all of them have miscarried or given birth. Seriously, 3 miscarriages atleast 17 births I can think of off the top of my head. Oh, and just remembered 1 more who is for 4 or 5 months along.

I dread these announcements like any infertile. But, I also still have hope for myself and I try to imagine what I would do and say to other infertiles if for some reason the "just relax" method I am using right now worked. Or if after IUI (which is seeming like an impossible goal) we succeed. (I have not come to terms with IVF ever being needed, so let me ignore that topic.)

I have always figured everyone is different. But when I asked my fellow IFers (several IF friends in real life now that I have started speaking out) they all felt my theory was best.

I love babies and pregnancies, they are devine. So, I would want to know, I would feel bad if someone intentionally did not tell me because they were afraid to hurt me. I also love hearing the different stories about experiences, symptoms and funny stories.

I would want someone to tell me in a text.

Preggers: Hey, How are you?

Me: Good, just getting off work, about to eat something, shower and go to bed.

Preggers: Oh yea, I made meatloaf for dinner. I had a great day. How about you?

Me: Yea, i had a pretty damn good day myself. Why was yours so great?

Preggers: Well, I have been feeling a little iffy lately and I took a test. I am pregnant.

Me: OMG THAT IS AWESOME! SO EXCITING!

And then the conversation to end. The preggers needs to just leave it at that until I ask for more torture. And I will once I have recovered and spent some time in bed crying.

This is my last meal. I like a nice appetizer with a quick meal and NO dessert! I will ask for a hot fudge cake if I want one! And I will.

How would you like your last meal?

Bobi

sitting here

I am just sitting here. At my computer. So, I figured I would write.

I am currntly so busy with work that tomorrow is my last day off until December. I am trying to appreciate the over time but it is hard. Working 70-80 hours a week is not for the faint of heart. I just keep telling myself that this extra money will help us reach our future.

As for the future, I mean kids. I am confident I will succeed in having a child. It is just a question of when.

So, I will continue to work massive amounts of hours and save my money.

Until I have managed to save, I will try the "natural" "normal" method of getting pregnant and "just relax" which sucks and i doubt will work. The positive is that I work too much to worry about it. So, if I do get pregnant on one of the few times my husband and I have had time to "meet up" I will consider it an amazing blessing.


Bobi

I lied.

I lied.
Not Pregnant.
Was so sure.
Very angry.
Very sad.

So i had implantation bleeding and my period didn't even come until after my normal 40 day cycle. And it lasted extra long. So I called my doctor and explained everything.

She said it sounds like a chemical pregnancy.

I never even mentioned it to Gee because well, lets face it, we didn't know. We still don't know for sure. I didn't test until I started bleeding. (i had been so sure that i didn't even test and then when i started bleeding i tested just to make sure.)

So, I am not counting it. It saves my sanity.

Since the last post, which was awhile ago, i have been promoted. And now work constantly. And Gee is going back to school and so am i. I think things are calm. I am not taking clomid. I just cant right now. The side effects were so bad last time that this month i needed a break. And with the new job, i cant be an emotional hot flashing nut job. At least not until things calm down.

I got my tarot cards read. I'm going to have 3 or 4 kids and be moderate financially, not rich but not poor. Oh, and in the next 5 years Gee and i will fall more and more in love.

Now those 3 or 4 kids? She sees a little boy coming up soon, but my "children card" didn't come up for 3 or so years. Soooooo, do i just become very attached to a little boy who i think of as mine or do i have a little boy and just don't have another one for 3 or so years? I don't know that i even believe in this stuff but she knew i was going back to school, that before i met Gee my life was in shambles, and that when we unite we are so strong no one can take us down. And that i was getting promoted.
Then when she read my boss's she knew that my boss had miscarried, she knew that it was stress, she knew that her husband was her rock but things have been turbulent, and that she was quitting. Which is true since my boss is no longer my boss. I took her spot.

Either way, it cost $5 and the money went to charity.

Bologna

Bologna is made of lots of scraps, and today that is what I'm feeding you.



Scrap*

So, i let my sister in law move in. I agreed to let her and her raccoon* move in. Into my BABY's ROOM. Why? Because I see how awful she is treated by my in-laws and thought I would try to help her one last time. I got her a job. I arranged my work schedule to get her almost 21 yr old a** her temps. I even set up a budget so she could afford to rent the teeny tiny 2 bedroom house next door in 3 months. I even risked all the raccoon diseases by allowing that thing in my house!



Then she spoke to my evil mother in law and suddenly she wanted to go home. So, i took her home. Then the next day she told my in-laws that I write on my computer about them. That I don't want my hubby to see them, that i hate them, and that i think i am better than them.



First of all, i don't believe anyone is better than anyone. I do believe that i will be a better parent, simply because i wont snort coke, i wont live in a car, i wont grow pot, i wont use coke to lose the baby weight, i wont teach my 8 yr old how to make meth, and most of all i will never tell my 16 year old son to "Take this rope and go hang yourself." Yes, that's what my FIL told my husband, and then bitched when he had to go to school to get my husband because the school had noticed the rope burn on his neck and the slits on his wrists.

Then just 3 months ago, my FIL told my sister in law the same thing. THIS FAMILY IS CRAZY!

I have already told my husband, our kids will only stay there when I am with them (my husband still struggles to stand up to them) and if they start to be anything but sweet and sober, i will put my kids in the car and keep them away. Gee is A-OKAY with this. That breaks my heart.



Now for a tidbit on my family, we are very close, we are not perfect, but we are close. I have a cousin, who has 3 kids, no fertility issues, even though several of her cousins and her sister have battled and won the infertility war. This cousin has a son, lets name him, M. She also has a father, lets name him R.



I posted on facebook, my support for building the stupid mosque in New York. I believe in freedom to sell land to whoever, and freedom of religion. Simple as that. My Uncle R got on and started saying things like "Muslims shouldn't be allowed in our country" "You should be kicked out for supporting terrorists" then a friend of mine from HS joined in, you see, her family is Muslim, she isn't, but they are. She and i pretty much explained things to my 50 something year old uncle and he just got more and more belligerent. Even striking so low as to call this friends 110 pound frame "fat." I became outraged, this is the same Uncle who previously told me to put my dog down because she is part pit bull.



It finally ended with me blocking him.



Then on the 5 year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, i posted some stats on the fact that everything is not fine and dandy down there. (I wont bore you with the details) And M, who used to be one of my closest cousins, gets on and starts saying how sick and tired he is of me always complaining, how i shouldn't worry about New Orleans or Katrina because no one up here cares and those people are "stupid" for living there anyway. Yeah, i was pissed. I explained how ignorant he is, how selfish and ridiculous and how i hope he was joking.

He proceeded to say
"I am going to be the one to say it, i will play the bad guy since no one else wants to, our family is tired of hearing about your struggles, about useless fertility facts, about Muslims, Katrina, and all that other shit. Facebook is to connect and our family doesn't feel connected to you when you complain in every single post"

Which amuses me because usually my facebook is happy and upbeat and fertility, Katrina, and the Muslims are the only three things that i have mentioned that could even be perceived as negative. Then i deleted M's mother, sister, brother and aunt. Then emailed the rest of my family on facebook and learned that none of them had ever had an issue with anything i said and that they are happy to be in the know as far as fertility goes and that i have taught them a lot.

Then my friends started to read what M had said, and they all jumped to my defense, 4 of my facebook friends didn't realize they were "infertile" until i started speaking out. So far, 2 of them have gone to the doctor, and one has discovered Male Factor infertility as the culprit, and another had learned she has endometriosis and a blocked tube. The other 2 are trying different things and slowly becoming more aware and i believe plan to go to the doctor soon.

So, i felt much better, i lost part of my family, but obviously they couldn't support me anyway, so it isn't much of a loss at all. Although Uncle R has since told my 80 something year old grandmother his opinion on my struggles, and she apparently threatened to throw him over her knee if he ever mentioned my struggle again, and said that as a man with two daughters, who's wife suffered through countless miscarriages and a 10 year wait between daughter 1 and daughter 2, he should know better. (He believes that things like that shouldn't be shared, that it should remain a silent sorority, and i believe that it should be heard, loud and proud, because we will never get the support we IFers need if no one knows our struggle)

Okay that is all i have time for. So i leave you with this.

STAND STRONG MY SORORITY SISTERS, AND FIGHT, FOR THERE IS A WAR RAGING AND I WILL GO FIRST INTO BATTLE FOR ALL WOMEN WHO ARE INVOLUNTARILY CHILDLESS!

I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!

Bobi

*The raccoon was stolen from my chimney by my FIL since he wanted one. He then forced my SIL to take care of it or get out of his house, so she took care of it, fell in love, and now that she knows its illegal, she still cant let him go. He has become her baby.

My Boss

MyBoss is pregnant. I was hurt and insulted by that. Then she confided that it took her two years to get pregnant. I was happy, and elated for her success. She had a happy ending to the infertility struggle that we fight everyday. I was capable of being happy for her.

Until Wednesday.

On Wednesday as i went to go into work i found out my boss had miscarried. After work she noticed blood monday night, went to the hospital and they did a pregnancy test, it said she was still pregnant, and they put her on bed rest. She finally asked what her HCG level was, and they said 70! She is supposed to be closing in on her 9th week!

She knew then that she was losing the baby. She got home and within a few hours felt everything come out. She did the only rational thing she could think of, she grabbed some gloves, stuck her hand n the toilet and took it to the hospital. They wouldnt take it. So she took it to her doctor, he wont take it, he hadnt even been told she had miscarried and spent 2 minutes trying to find a heartbeat before my boss finally told the guy "Didnt you read what the hospital sent you you dumbfuck my hcg level was at 70 IM NOT PREGNANT!"

She is straight forward, i like that. She is dealing with it well in front of people, and im so honored that she is so honest about everything. Her husband has been dealing with it but not well. I think men forget that pregnancy isnt a guarantee, it can be only temporary.

I guess i feel closer to my boss now. She even changed my work schedule so i can avoid any hazards during my two week wait, she said "Better safe than sorry" Did i mention i love her?