Happy 100 Posts
I dedicate this post to my estranged brother.
Dear William,
As a child, I knew about you. I knew I had a brother somewhere who had a different mom. I knew he got to see my dad, and I didn't. I knew his name was William.
I would fantasize about the day I'd meet you. I would pretend you came over and played with me, and I would pretend we were best friends and I always looked out for you. I would ask my mom about you frequently, expecting that she would have some anecdote to share. I lived for the day I got my brother.
When our dad showed up when I was in 3rd grade, I thought that meant we could live together and be best friends. I also learned that we had a sister. She was 4 at the time. I would sit and imagine us being the older kids and looking out for our sister, and torturing her during games with our dad.
I always thought of you. Asked about you. When our dad went back out of my life, I grew up. I became a teenager and realized our relationship would never be perfect. But at 13 I called your mom. I had wanted to talk to dad for a long time. She gave me his number and told me they were divorcing. I started to grow closer to our father in the next few years. Fighting and yelling at him, while always wondering why he never permitted us to meet. I believe he was ashamed. How could he tell his son that he had a sister? How could he admit to leaving my mother alone with a baby? He was probably perfect in your eyes and he didn't want to destroy that. I understand this now.
When he died, all hopes and dreams crashed down around me. But I clung to the idea that at the funeral, I would meet you. I would be your sister. The grief would bring us together.
Your mother approached me at the funeral and told me that the night before they had finally told you about me. I can imagine you felt like your entire world had been destroyed. Dead father, older sister, and your life was shattered. Your mom told me to give you and our sister time. That if you ever wanted to meet me, she would let us know. I never heard a word.
When our Grandfather and I started to get close, my fantasies came back. If he accepted me, so would you. But you got mad. You ran from the room when I sat next to you the day of our Grandma's funeral. You looked so much like our cousin, I didn't even know that 6 foot tall boy was my little brother.
I have been told that you spent the next several years saying how I stole our grandpa, and that if you ever had the chance, you'd punch me in the face. I assumed this was just a teenage boy thing. But when our grandpa got sick and you didn't come around, I blamed myself for ruining the relationship. I believe he died knowing great pain. But also so much happiness because with that pain, he connected with is biological children and with me.
At his funeral, I had an entire speech to give you. I wanted so badly to connect with you, and I knew that was my last chance. But you never came.
My last memory of you is of you running out of a room.
Now I am having a baby. Your nephew. And all I can think of is my fantasy of the holidays. You and our sister sitting at a table, discussing our father and holding my child. This is a fantasy I will never let go of.
So, Dear William, I love you. I have loved you since I was a toddler and heard about you. You are my brother, and I want to be there for you. To grow as a person by knowing you. So if we ever meet again, please don't lash out in anger, but listen to what I have to say.
Stacey
***Thanks for reading my 100th post. Hopefully, someday, it will have a happy resolution.
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Today
Today it hit me. I don't really have a job. I will get called in when they need me. Dispite 4 people (all friends of mine) calling off today, they still didn't need me. It will have to be like WWIII before I get called in. So, What is a Jobless, Pregnant Woman to do?
Swim
I took my friend and her 2 children swimming in the pool! This is day 4 of the swimming. Everyday.
Last summer I would have enjoy it a bit more. I don't think I can jump into a pool. So, I scoot in. Not as much fun. I am also tryingto avoid the mask of pregnancy, so I apply sunblock to my face and chest. This isn't working. After several days, I am PINK. I know, not too big of a deal, but if I keep this up, pink may go to red. Apparently sunblock must be reapplied. Uh-Huh. Who wants to get OUT of the pool to apply? Not my friend's little one!
He is also pink. Dispite her chasing him trying to dry him, then applying it, only to have him immediately jump in the kiddie pool, then redry, reapply, and hold him hostage for 10 minutes until we figured it had dried well enough, the kid is still PINK. It hit 101 degrees here. So, we played in the pool, everyone drank multiple bottles of water, and we took a trip inside every hour or so. We also bought turkey to make sandwiches.
I didn't realize that after we ate, my friend left the turkey on the counter, knowing her little one would want to eat again in a little bit. My Momma has a kitty. A bad kitty. A naughty kitty. When her older daughter wanted a snack and had to pee, we sent her inside to grab the turkey and bring it out. She ended up coming out with oranges and apples, which work just as well, so we ate those. When we went in an hour later, certain that we would feed the children half sandwiches, eat whole ones ourselves, and be back in the pool in 15 minutes, we found an empty deli bag by the back door.
Apparently my friend's daughter went in, and found a kitty stuck with his head IN THE BAG and saved the kitty. But thought the kitty would get in trouble, so she brought out oranges and apples instead. She forgot to hide the evidence though.
My other friend, let's call her Coco, is in Hawaii. Greeting her husband. Right now. As he returns from Iraq. He is stationed there for at least a year, so she took a semester off school, moved don there last month, and has spent that month on the phone with me asking to borrow George. She has dealt with giant cockroaches that hiss and fly, a gecko who is now her nightstand buddy, giant spiders, scary neighbors, furnishing her first place, and all the military crap along the way, without anyone else. I have sat up till 6 am our time, helping her with allof these issues. The cockroach one was awesome. Her screaming made her neighbors run outside to try and see in her window, they shouted at her, asking if she was okay, and she invited them upstairs to kill the cockroach (the same cockroach I had spent 20 minutes convincing her that cockroaches don't eat humans). Husband in Iraq, all alone, 3000 miles from home, and let's invite a random man to come upstairs to my fabulous new apartment and kill a bug! That is COCO!
I just met her 6 months ago, but she is possibly the nicest person I have EVER MET! She also got me hooked on a certain wine, that while cheap, is amazing and highly addicting. I want it everyday. I only enjoyed 3 bottles in the month before I got pregnant, and that just wasn't enough. I am not really a big drinker, tequila shots every 2 years, strawberry daquiries with my mom once or twice a year, and I had NEVER enjoyed wine. Now I do. Oh, and I drink champagne on my anniversary (ha! not this year, anniversary is in 5 days) and at weddings.
The parent debacle. Oh my. So, for the last few months, my step dad has not been able to pay his cell phone bill. So, we just sent over whatever my mom needed to pay it (we have 5 of us all on one plan) and were done. Well, now we are struggling, and couldn't do it this month. My mom is ever diligent and kept track of how much we gave her for my step dad's bill. $679. For my step sister and step dad. Now, we have to pay our taxes (we pay every 6 months) for the house, and that is our last $700. So, my mom told my step dad on Friday "Stacey as paid for nearly 6 months, she is hurting right now and could use some cash. She won't be paying the bill for you this month, so I need the money or the phones will get turned off." All of this after a month of not seeing him. He never even got back to her. So, she turned off the cell phones. My step sister's boyfriend called and asked if he could pay their bill this month and pay me back. I said "SURE!" Apparently he had $400 in birthday money and wanted to help them out. So, I told him how much the bill is this month, and how much I am already owed. He said "Oh man! No way can I dish out that much!" and told my sister the grand total. She told other sister who told brother, and they all confronted my step dad, and said "Why didn't you pay?" He doesnt let his kids, even though one is 17, one 15, one 14, know his finances, so he became enraged. At me. For telling the boyfriend the amount.
I was trying to help you! And help myself! So, now the break is complete, siblings are with their dad, their dad hates my mom and me for everything, and I am back to being the only, lonely child I was 5 years ago when my mom met him.
This is soooooo much drama. We aren't usually so drama filled.
I am also sad. My child will not know the giant holiday meals. Or have aunts and uncles. Or know these people. It breaks my heart.
Swim
I took my friend and her 2 children swimming in the pool! This is day 4 of the swimming. Everyday.
Last summer I would have enjoy it a bit more. I don't think I can jump into a pool. So, I scoot in. Not as much fun. I am also tryingto avoid the mask of pregnancy, so I apply sunblock to my face and chest. This isn't working. After several days, I am PINK. I know, not too big of a deal, but if I keep this up, pink may go to red. Apparently sunblock must be reapplied. Uh-Huh. Who wants to get OUT of the pool to apply? Not my friend's little one!
He is also pink. Dispite her chasing him trying to dry him, then applying it, only to have him immediately jump in the kiddie pool, then redry, reapply, and hold him hostage for 10 minutes until we figured it had dried well enough, the kid is still PINK. It hit 101 degrees here. So, we played in the pool, everyone drank multiple bottles of water, and we took a trip inside every hour or so. We also bought turkey to make sandwiches.
I didn't realize that after we ate, my friend left the turkey on the counter, knowing her little one would want to eat again in a little bit. My Momma has a kitty. A bad kitty. A naughty kitty. When her older daughter wanted a snack and had to pee, we sent her inside to grab the turkey and bring it out. She ended up coming out with oranges and apples, which work just as well, so we ate those. When we went in an hour later, certain that we would feed the children half sandwiches, eat whole ones ourselves, and be back in the pool in 15 minutes, we found an empty deli bag by the back door.
Apparently my friend's daughter went in, and found a kitty stuck with his head IN THE BAG and saved the kitty. But thought the kitty would get in trouble, so she brought out oranges and apples instead. She forgot to hide the evidence though.
My other friend, let's call her Coco, is in Hawaii. Greeting her husband. Right now. As he returns from Iraq. He is stationed there for at least a year, so she took a semester off school, moved don there last month, and has spent that month on the phone with me asking to borrow George. She has dealt with giant cockroaches that hiss and fly, a gecko who is now her nightstand buddy, giant spiders, scary neighbors, furnishing her first place, and all the military crap along the way, without anyone else. I have sat up till 6 am our time, helping her with allof these issues. The cockroach one was awesome. Her screaming made her neighbors run outside to try and see in her window, they shouted at her, asking if she was okay, and she invited them upstairs to kill the cockroach (the same cockroach I had spent 20 minutes convincing her that cockroaches don't eat humans). Husband in Iraq, all alone, 3000 miles from home, and let's invite a random man to come upstairs to my fabulous new apartment and kill a bug! That is COCO!
I just met her 6 months ago, but she is possibly the nicest person I have EVER MET! She also got me hooked on a certain wine, that while cheap, is amazing and highly addicting. I want it everyday. I only enjoyed 3 bottles in the month before I got pregnant, and that just wasn't enough. I am not really a big drinker, tequila shots every 2 years, strawberry daquiries with my mom once or twice a year, and I had NEVER enjoyed wine. Now I do. Oh, and I drink champagne on my anniversary (ha! not this year, anniversary is in 5 days) and at weddings.
The parent debacle. Oh my. So, for the last few months, my step dad has not been able to pay his cell phone bill. So, we just sent over whatever my mom needed to pay it (we have 5 of us all on one plan) and were done. Well, now we are struggling, and couldn't do it this month. My mom is ever diligent and kept track of how much we gave her for my step dad's bill. $679. For my step sister and step dad. Now, we have to pay our taxes (we pay every 6 months) for the house, and that is our last $700. So, my mom told my step dad on Friday "Stacey as paid for nearly 6 months, she is hurting right now and could use some cash. She won't be paying the bill for you this month, so I need the money or the phones will get turned off." All of this after a month of not seeing him. He never even got back to her. So, she turned off the cell phones. My step sister's boyfriend called and asked if he could pay their bill this month and pay me back. I said "SURE!" Apparently he had $400 in birthday money and wanted to help them out. So, I told him how much the bill is this month, and how much I am already owed. He said "Oh man! No way can I dish out that much!" and told my sister the grand total. She told other sister who told brother, and they all confronted my step dad, and said "Why didn't you pay?" He doesnt let his kids, even though one is 17, one 15, one 14, know his finances, so he became enraged. At me. For telling the boyfriend the amount.
I was trying to help you! And help myself! So, now the break is complete, siblings are with their dad, their dad hates my mom and me for everything, and I am back to being the only, lonely child I was 5 years ago when my mom met him.
This is soooooo much drama. We aren't usually so drama filled.
I am also sad. My child will not know the giant holiday meals. Or have aunts and uncles. Or know these people. It breaks my heart.
Monday, May 9, 2011
My First Mother's Day (kind of)
So, Sunday morning I woke up with some pressure. In my vah-jay-jay. Some period like cramping, and a back ache from my lower back to the bra strap area. I tried walking around, tried a hot bath, they dulled it but nothing significant. I called the doctor. The midwife called me back and she wanted to get the OB's opinion before deciding what to do, but she suggested laying down with a pillow between my legs. I fell asleep. Three hours later the doctor had not called.
I bitched to Gee who was, by this point, ready to have a heart attack. I called the midwife back and explained how now it felt like the pressure was gone, but it hurt in my back more. She said it could be a bacterial infection or a cervical issue and that I may have laid wrong.
I prayed for the laying wrong idea and a bacterial infection. (At this point an std or BV sounded like an awesome idea) Then everything went away, except for the the back pain, which by now i felt in my right side right below my rib cage. Sadly, you have probably already figured this out, but it took me an hour.
My mom came over to hang out for Mother's day (Midwife also ordered me not to get out of bed for any reason other than peeing) and when she walked in and noticed how messy my house is, she began cleaning. Leaving me writhing in pain, alone in bed. Gee thought something was wrong with the baby and was upstairs trying to deal with it in his own way, bitching to friends and killing people on xbox.
I felt like I could not get comfortable. No matter what. I tried everything. I was stretching, trying weird positions, making Gee rub my back (when he came downstairs) and everything else I could think of. It did not work. I tried getting into the tub (while Gee is upstairs and my mom is cleaning) and it still hurt. By this point I knew I had a kidney infection.
I went to my mom, bawling like a baby, and said "Just take me to the ER" and then started explaining how I am such a wimp, how am I going to birth a baby if a damn kidney infection takes me down?
She and Gee took me to the hospital, laughing and making jokes the entire way. Gee even proclaimed that once they checked the baby, he was walking home. So, I threatened to beat them, kill them, and walk the rest of the way myself. They shut up.
Then we got rushed right in , and they took my BP, oxygen and pulse. My pulse was high for anyone, my BP was 130/80 (I am generally 60/80 and have actually been asked if I am alive.) My oxygen saturation was 88. It hurt to breath, hurt to cough, laugh, smile, be alive! And nothing would take it away. My Mom joked that it would suck if these doctors were making such a big deal and then we found out it was gas. Gee joked that I am pregnant, and with pregnancy everything always comes back to gas.
I threatened their lives again and switched positons another 200 times. The doctor rushed in, checked the baby, and realized, their ultrasound machine was not meant for OB and couldn't record the heart beat. So, they tried doing it another way, which came back as 216 beats per minute! They said that yes, he was agitated and his heart was fast, but they did not think 216 was accurate. But, he definitely could not get comfortable just like me. I assume that everytime I moved, he moved, and I was trying EVERYTHING to get comfortable, which means I was flopping around like a freaking fish out of water. Poor BFM.
Then they let me pee, and did an ultrasound on my kidney. Which was healthy, and fine. So they checked my left kidney, healthy and fine. Then right as they finished they came in with the results of my pee test. No infection. But blood. Then, as I switched positions for the 100000000th time, they asked "Are you having trouble getting comfortable?" I burst into tears, and Gee said "DUH!".
They explained how the blood and me not being able to get comfortable meant kidney stones. They could not do a CAT scan since I am pregnant, but explained what was going on and that my bleeding Friday was probably not related at all. So, I am still on severely restricted pelvic rest and I am waiting for a pain that will "make sure you don't need an epidural during labor". FUCK!
I also got vicodin. I questioned them, I called my nurse, I asked the pharmacist, they said with kidney stones, vicodin is okay. It would lower the heart rate slightly, and make him sleepy. So, I popped that bad boy and 30 minutes later I was eating a big juicy burger and living the high life.
But I am me, so I used my phone to talk to Dr. Google. Apparently, when a woman has kidney stones, it will put her in so much pain, that she may go into premature labor or miscarry. So, death of baby, or lower heart rate and drowsiness, I pick heart rate and drowsiness.
Gee and I agreed though, that while the stones were traveling from my kidney to my bladder, I would take the vicodin, but I would make sure to leave an hour break for BFM to feel normal.
HA!
The vicodin wore off 5 hours later. Five! Not the 6 the bottle says! I ended up vomiting. All of my burger and fries. Which was the ONLY thing I had ate all day. Apparently pregnant me says "Ouch! that hurts, lets barf!" It did not work. Still hurt. So, Gee said to just take the pill. So, I took it 15 minutes early. Then an hour later, I got the shakes. And dizzy. And the general "I need food" feeling. My blood sugar was 42. Gee made me chocolate milk (not sugar free!) and potatoes and corn. Oddly, that is what I wanted. Starch and sugar!
Then I sat down on the couch, and could not get back up. I was too tired. Gee assisted me to bed, and I passed out! Four hours later I woke up, peed, and felt fine. Then another 4 hours later I woke up and realized, THE PAIN WAS GONE! cue angels singing.
So, the little rock babies who plan to rip and cut their way out of my poor little urethra, are safely in my bladder. I have felt great all day. I get a follow up with my OB in the morning to check on baby fishy monster, and wait for my practice labor that promises to be 10x worse than labor. Dr. Google has me afraid to pee.
So, wish a girl luck, and say a prayer or a hope, or toss some rock baby dust over here. And if you are in Ohio and hear a woman screaming in the bathroom, and she may or may not be using the Bradley Method to urinate, please, keep walking.
Oh, and my mom and Gee, have both been kissing my ass. They feel so guilty. The moment they said "Kidney stones" I smirked at those two! Gas! GAS! As far as I am concerned, they can come enjoy practice labor with me, and I promise to squeeze their hands the entire time!
Bobi
I bitched to Gee who was, by this point, ready to have a heart attack. I called the midwife back and explained how now it felt like the pressure was gone, but it hurt in my back more. She said it could be a bacterial infection or a cervical issue and that I may have laid wrong.
I prayed for the laying wrong idea and a bacterial infection. (At this point an std or BV sounded like an awesome idea) Then everything went away, except for the the back pain, which by now i felt in my right side right below my rib cage. Sadly, you have probably already figured this out, but it took me an hour.
My mom came over to hang out for Mother's day (Midwife also ordered me not to get out of bed for any reason other than peeing) and when she walked in and noticed how messy my house is, she began cleaning. Leaving me writhing in pain, alone in bed. Gee thought something was wrong with the baby and was upstairs trying to deal with it in his own way, bitching to friends and killing people on xbox.
I felt like I could not get comfortable. No matter what. I tried everything. I was stretching, trying weird positions, making Gee rub my back (when he came downstairs) and everything else I could think of. It did not work. I tried getting into the tub (while Gee is upstairs and my mom is cleaning) and it still hurt. By this point I knew I had a kidney infection.
I went to my mom, bawling like a baby, and said "Just take me to the ER" and then started explaining how I am such a wimp, how am I going to birth a baby if a damn kidney infection takes me down?
She and Gee took me to the hospital, laughing and making jokes the entire way. Gee even proclaimed that once they checked the baby, he was walking home. So, I threatened to beat them, kill them, and walk the rest of the way myself. They shut up.
Then we got rushed right in , and they took my BP, oxygen and pulse. My pulse was high for anyone, my BP was 130/80 (I am generally 60/80 and have actually been asked if I am alive.) My oxygen saturation was 88. It hurt to breath, hurt to cough, laugh, smile, be alive! And nothing would take it away. My Mom joked that it would suck if these doctors were making such a big deal and then we found out it was gas. Gee joked that I am pregnant, and with pregnancy everything always comes back to gas.
I threatened their lives again and switched positons another 200 times. The doctor rushed in, checked the baby, and realized, their ultrasound machine was not meant for OB and couldn't record the heart beat. So, they tried doing it another way, which came back as 216 beats per minute! They said that yes, he was agitated and his heart was fast, but they did not think 216 was accurate. But, he definitely could not get comfortable just like me. I assume that everytime I moved, he moved, and I was trying EVERYTHING to get comfortable, which means I was flopping around like a freaking fish out of water. Poor BFM.
Then they let me pee, and did an ultrasound on my kidney. Which was healthy, and fine. So they checked my left kidney, healthy and fine. Then right as they finished they came in with the results of my pee test. No infection. But blood. Then, as I switched positions for the 100000000th time, they asked "Are you having trouble getting comfortable?" I burst into tears, and Gee said "DUH!".
They explained how the blood and me not being able to get comfortable meant kidney stones. They could not do a CAT scan since I am pregnant, but explained what was going on and that my bleeding Friday was probably not related at all. So, I am still on severely restricted pelvic rest and I am waiting for a pain that will "make sure you don't need an epidural during labor". FUCK!
I also got vicodin. I questioned them, I called my nurse, I asked the pharmacist, they said with kidney stones, vicodin is okay. It would lower the heart rate slightly, and make him sleepy. So, I popped that bad boy and 30 minutes later I was eating a big juicy burger and living the high life.
But I am me, so I used my phone to talk to Dr. Google. Apparently, when a woman has kidney stones, it will put her in so much pain, that she may go into premature labor or miscarry. So, death of baby, or lower heart rate and drowsiness, I pick heart rate and drowsiness.
Gee and I agreed though, that while the stones were traveling from my kidney to my bladder, I would take the vicodin, but I would make sure to leave an hour break for BFM to feel normal.
HA!
The vicodin wore off 5 hours later. Five! Not the 6 the bottle says! I ended up vomiting. All of my burger and fries. Which was the ONLY thing I had ate all day. Apparently pregnant me says "Ouch! that hurts, lets barf!" It did not work. Still hurt. So, Gee said to just take the pill. So, I took it 15 minutes early. Then an hour later, I got the shakes. And dizzy. And the general "I need food" feeling. My blood sugar was 42. Gee made me chocolate milk (not sugar free!) and potatoes and corn. Oddly, that is what I wanted. Starch and sugar!
Then I sat down on the couch, and could not get back up. I was too tired. Gee assisted me to bed, and I passed out! Four hours later I woke up, peed, and felt fine. Then another 4 hours later I woke up and realized, THE PAIN WAS GONE! cue angels singing.
So, the little rock babies who plan to rip and cut their way out of my poor little urethra, are safely in my bladder. I have felt great all day. I get a follow up with my OB in the morning to check on baby fishy monster, and wait for my practice labor that promises to be 10x worse than labor. Dr. Google has me afraid to pee.
So, wish a girl luck, and say a prayer or a hope, or toss some rock baby dust over here. And if you are in Ohio and hear a woman screaming in the bathroom, and she may or may not be using the Bradley Method to urinate, please, keep walking.
Oh, and my mom and Gee, have both been kissing my ass. They feel so guilty. The moment they said "Kidney stones" I smirked at those two! Gas! GAS! As far as I am concerned, they can come enjoy practice labor with me, and I promise to squeeze their hands the entire time!
Bobi
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The Crying Post
I am crying as I write this so bear with me.
I took Gee job hunting all day today. We called my Uncle G who retired 4 years ago from a wonderful company that he and 3 other family members either work at or have worked at. He agreed to let us "name drop". So he did. They seemed interested and were actually reading his resume as he left instead of just shoving it in a pile.
When he got in the car he had a friend calling him, so he answered, but I didnt see. And very LOUDLY I said
"If you get this job, I will go get IUI immediately and you can get your new truck if it can fit a carseat!"
Then he said "Oh, hey A"
And A must have asked about what I said, because Gee went on to explain IUI, then IVF, (in terms of "I cum into a cup, they wash the semen so its only sperm swimming around") then what exactly is wrong with us. Okay, me.
A's brother, Big A shall be his name, is close to me so he has heard little bits and pieces, but he is like 19 and oblivious to the world, but A is our future Pastor, he is studying environmental science but has dreams of one day sharing his love of God. So, let the tears fall, Gee put him on speaker and A gave me such a wonderful and inspirational speech that I felt like I could seriously turn around, look in the backseat and their would be a baby.
there wasnt. I checked.
Then Gee talked a little more about it, and his voice started to crack, and his face turned red, and I realized, my husband, who I have only seen cry 2 times, was fighting to hold back tears.
AWFUL! I feel AWFUL! My body is the failure, my body is the reason we do not have a child. Why must HE suffer. He is a wonderful man who loves a woman who has a failure of a body! He does not deserve this!
Then his song came on and I remembered, he did not marry me for children. He married me for me.
Here is his song. It is actually about Rob Thomas's wife who has an autoimmune disorder.
Beautiful.
Bobi
I took Gee job hunting all day today. We called my Uncle G who retired 4 years ago from a wonderful company that he and 3 other family members either work at or have worked at. He agreed to let us "name drop". So he did. They seemed interested and were actually reading his resume as he left instead of just shoving it in a pile.
When he got in the car he had a friend calling him, so he answered, but I didnt see. And very LOUDLY I said
"If you get this job, I will go get IUI immediately and you can get your new truck if it can fit a carseat!"
Then he said "Oh, hey A"
And A must have asked about what I said, because Gee went on to explain IUI, then IVF, (in terms of "I cum into a cup, they wash the semen so its only sperm swimming around") then what exactly is wrong with us. Okay, me.
A's brother, Big A shall be his name, is close to me so he has heard little bits and pieces, but he is like 19 and oblivious to the world, but A is our future Pastor, he is studying environmental science but has dreams of one day sharing his love of God. So, let the tears fall, Gee put him on speaker and A gave me such a wonderful and inspirational speech that I felt like I could seriously turn around, look in the backseat and their would be a baby.
there wasnt. I checked.
Then Gee talked a little more about it, and his voice started to crack, and his face turned red, and I realized, my husband, who I have only seen cry 2 times, was fighting to hold back tears.
AWFUL! I feel AWFUL! My body is the failure, my body is the reason we do not have a child. Why must HE suffer. He is a wonderful man who loves a woman who has a failure of a body! He does not deserve this!
Then his song came on and I remembered, he did not marry me for children. He married me for me.
Here is his song. It is actually about Rob Thomas's wife who has an autoimmune disorder.
Beautiful.
Bobi
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Rich. Whore. Bitch.
Those are the words that were used to describe yours truly as she exited the YWCA this afternoon. I had walked in and was in the middle of culture shock.
Babies on the floor screaming. Ghetto mama's screaming at each other. And no one caring for either.
So after I checked in with the receptionist, I sat my butt down at the chair farthest from the drama and started texting a few friends. Then the receptionist called me back up and I pulled my Coach wallet from 1996 out of my purse and gave her my I.D. and was sent to the fingerprinting room.
When I finished I walked out and stopped to hold the door for a woman carrying in a toddler and an infant. Then I heard "Fucking Rich Whore. Stupid Bitch, thinking she is better than us."
First of all, I do not believe that any living creature is better than another. But I believe we make better choices than others. Sitting there just reminded me how lucky I am. And how unlucky I am. These women probably did not realize I was jealous of them.
They have children. Lots of children. This irony of infertility amazes me. How can a woman living at the YWCA get pregnant but a woman with her own home, a wedding ring, and financial stability not get pregnant?
Babies on the floor screaming. Ghetto mama's screaming at each other. And no one caring for either.
So after I checked in with the receptionist, I sat my butt down at the chair farthest from the drama and started texting a few friends. Then the receptionist called me back up and I pulled my Coach wallet from 1996 out of my purse and gave her my I.D. and was sent to the fingerprinting room.
When I finished I walked out and stopped to hold the door for a woman carrying in a toddler and an infant. Then I heard "Fucking Rich Whore. Stupid Bitch, thinking she is better than us."
First of all, I do not believe that any living creature is better than another. But I believe we make better choices than others. Sitting there just reminded me how lucky I am. And how unlucky I am. These women probably did not realize I was jealous of them.
They have children. Lots of children. This irony of infertility amazes me. How can a woman living at the YWCA get pregnant but a woman with her own home, a wedding ring, and financial stability not get pregnant?
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I am Still Here
I am still alive and well. My new phone will not let me post or comment from it! I am going to see if there is a blogger app or anything I can do to rectify this because I need to be able to comment!
Cleaning job is awesome, but I am leaving it. Why? The preschool/daycare, put me in the toddler room and watched how I interacted with the crazy kids and they loved it. So, they want me fulltime. I would make more money cleaning, but who can turn down toddlers?
That is actually what Gee said when I called him. I said "Honey, what should I do?" and he said "Well, I would love to tell you to go with the money, but I know you cannot walk away from toddlers. Eighteen to Twenty-Four months is your favorite age and they are offering you exactly what you want." He knows me well.
Last night I went bowling with my family and invited my favorite employee, lets call her ASIL, for almost-sister-in-law, since she is my sister's fiance's sister. It is a stretch, but I love her so much I will adopt her into the family. She informed me that my replacement, has left the building. She said one of my consumers chased her out of the building screaming that he wanted me. She put in her 2 weeks within minutes. She didnt even make it out of training. Then after bowling, ASIL went to buy a pregnancy test.
Did I say how i was mentally able to count days for a broken condom incident for a friend, and determined that on day 20 of her cycle, she wouldnt be pregnant? And it only took me a minute? Well, she was 3 days late today, and tested.
I informed her last night that if it were positive, and her I-dont-want-babies-until-I-am-thirtysomething-self got pregnant, I would cry like a freaking baby. She said she would cry too. We laughed it off and thought nothing of it.
This is the text I woke up to:
:'(
I sent:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
She sent: I am losing my mind.
I sent: Me too!
And then I realized she had no one besides her boyfriend and needed a big sisterly or motherly approach and I went into high gear. I went prenatal shopping, gave her my bottle of folic acid, set her up with "What to expect" and a babydotcom account, and opened her developmental disability book and showed her how a fetus develops and how the drink I gave her on day 22 of her cycle will probably not cause long term issues. Then we made a plan, who to tell and when. I helped her make a list of doctors to call (Her mother died when she was 11 and she has had alot of on again off again depression since then) and medicine not to take until she gets the okay from her doctor. Then I got her excited. I talked about how much she loves children, how this is an adventure and she has been given such a wonderful gift and opportunity. I even said how her mother is probably looking down and is so happy for this blessing. Then I hugged my friend and left her.
AND I:
:'(
Cried
But I will make the best of this. I am now the only person in my close group of friends who is not pregnant. Or has a child already. This includes my infertile friends.
I feel lost and alone in this big cruel world. Gee has been taking this cycle very seriously. He has been coming home, getting some food, and having sex with my sleeping body. Yep, because I have to be up at 8 am when I work and the every other day has fallen on my days off. So, sleep sex! It sucks, and I feel bad, but it isnt about feeling good dammit it is about pumping babies!
I noticed, right after Gee left for work Friday night, that I had cervical mucous! It was stretchy. And thick. I had some minor cramps that day but I thought it was sore muscles from working so hard. Then I did some math, realized it was day 12, and called George. He was due to have sexual relations with me Saturday morning anyway, but now he knew to hurry and push in all the way. So, he did. Lets hope it works. I am taking evening primrose, black cohosh, dong quoi, and mucinex. No clomid. I forgot about it in my effort to go all herbal.
Anywho, I have to get Gee up for work.
Bobi
Cleaning job is awesome, but I am leaving it. Why? The preschool/daycare, put me in the toddler room and watched how I interacted with the crazy kids and they loved it. So, they want me fulltime. I would make more money cleaning, but who can turn down toddlers?
That is actually what Gee said when I called him. I said "Honey, what should I do?" and he said "Well, I would love to tell you to go with the money, but I know you cannot walk away from toddlers. Eighteen to Twenty-Four months is your favorite age and they are offering you exactly what you want." He knows me well.
Last night I went bowling with my family and invited my favorite employee, lets call her ASIL, for almost-sister-in-law, since she is my sister's fiance's sister. It is a stretch, but I love her so much I will adopt her into the family. She informed me that my replacement, has left the building. She said one of my consumers chased her out of the building screaming that he wanted me. She put in her 2 weeks within minutes. She didnt even make it out of training. Then after bowling, ASIL went to buy a pregnancy test.
Did I say how i was mentally able to count days for a broken condom incident for a friend, and determined that on day 20 of her cycle, she wouldnt be pregnant? And it only took me a minute? Well, she was 3 days late today, and tested.
I informed her last night that if it were positive, and her I-dont-want-babies-until-I-am-thirtysomething-self got pregnant, I would cry like a freaking baby. She said she would cry too. We laughed it off and thought nothing of it.
This is the text I woke up to:
:'(
I sent:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
She sent: I am losing my mind.
I sent: Me too!
And then I realized she had no one besides her boyfriend and needed a big sisterly or motherly approach and I went into high gear. I went prenatal shopping, gave her my bottle of folic acid, set her up with "What to expect" and a babydotcom account, and opened her developmental disability book and showed her how a fetus develops and how the drink I gave her on day 22 of her cycle will probably not cause long term issues. Then we made a plan, who to tell and when. I helped her make a list of doctors to call (Her mother died when she was 11 and she has had alot of on again off again depression since then) and medicine not to take until she gets the okay from her doctor. Then I got her excited. I talked about how much she loves children, how this is an adventure and she has been given such a wonderful gift and opportunity. I even said how her mother is probably looking down and is so happy for this blessing. Then I hugged my friend and left her.
AND I:
:'(
Cried
But I will make the best of this. I am now the only person in my close group of friends who is not pregnant. Or has a child already. This includes my infertile friends.
I feel lost and alone in this big cruel world. Gee has been taking this cycle very seriously. He has been coming home, getting some food, and having sex with my sleeping body. Yep, because I have to be up at 8 am when I work and the every other day has fallen on my days off. So, sleep sex! It sucks, and I feel bad, but it isnt about feeling good dammit it is about pumping babies!
I noticed, right after Gee left for work Friday night, that I had cervical mucous! It was stretchy. And thick. I had some minor cramps that day but I thought it was sore muscles from working so hard. Then I did some math, realized it was day 12, and called George. He was due to have sexual relations with me Saturday morning anyway, but now he knew to hurry and push in all the way. So, he did. Lets hope it works. I am taking evening primrose, black cohosh, dong quoi, and mucinex. No clomid. I forgot about it in my effort to go all herbal.
Anywho, I have to get Gee up for work.
Bobi
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Happy 50TH!
HAPPY 50TH POST!
Eh, not so happy really. Job is great, next Monday I start at the preschool.
Not so great, our taxes. I forgot that this year we have to pay back our Home Buyer's credit. Which is $500. That still means we get a bit back right? WRONG.
Gee's work did not take out any school taxes. So, we owed them a lot. After all is said and done, we owe $150.
I have only owed once before, and that was $18000 from inheritance. This seriously sucks. I would have been happy with breaking even, but paying is just not acceptable. And for the third year in a row I was told "Better start making those little tax deductions" I HAVE BEEN TRYING! Cant I add up that in the last year I have had 2 miscarriages, add them up, which is 14 weeks or so, and claim them for 14 weeks? Or can I just get credit for trying? My best friend has two children, she told me her return.....wait for it...
wait for it......
$7591!!!!!!!!!
I would take 1/100 of that.
Damn babies. I only have a month to get knocked up in order to get one for next year. I am willing to bet $2000 that it will not happen. Any takers?
Oh, and my last infertile real life friend, is pregnant.
I am SO LONELY!
Not my normal musical preference, but dammit, I am So Lonely.
Bobi
Eh, not so happy really. Job is great, next Monday I start at the preschool.
Not so great, our taxes. I forgot that this year we have to pay back our Home Buyer's credit. Which is $500. That still means we get a bit back right? WRONG.
Gee's work did not take out any school taxes. So, we owed them a lot. After all is said and done, we owe $150.
I have only owed once before, and that was $18000 from inheritance. This seriously sucks. I would have been happy with breaking even, but paying is just not acceptable. And for the third year in a row I was told "Better start making those little tax deductions" I HAVE BEEN TRYING! Cant I add up that in the last year I have had 2 miscarriages, add them up, which is 14 weeks or so, and claim them for 14 weeks? Or can I just get credit for trying? My best friend has two children, she told me her return.....wait for it...
wait for it......
$7591!!!!!!!!!
I would take 1/100 of that.
Damn babies. I only have a month to get knocked up in order to get one for next year. I am willing to bet $2000 that it will not happen. Any takers?
Oh, and my last infertile real life friend, is pregnant.
I am SO LONELY!
Not my normal musical preference, but dammit, I am So Lonely.
Bobi
Friday, November 19, 2010
Not enough
One day off work is simply not enough for me. One day off until November 28th is inexcusable! I used to get 3 days off a week. Sure i worked 14.5 hour days but I LOVED IT! Now I am in my new position and even on my days off i get calls all day. Although my company did just announce that since i do not get on call pay, i don't have to answer and if it is important enough my staff can call our on call number who actually does get paid to answer the calls. But, even though i told my staff that yesterday, i still received 6 calls from 230 pm until 630 pm when i sent a mass text saying "I AM IN A MOVIE THEATER! WONT BE OUT EVER IF YOU KEEP CALLING ME"
It sounds harsh but i am normally a very receptive and flexible boss. But i am tired of calls every 5 minutes. Yesterday morning at 8:34 am i had 6 missed calls! I AM NOT OUT OF BED YET! And it was over something trivial that if someone thought for a minute, they could have solved their problem.
Anywho, i work at 10 am and my staff will probably call me to wake me up at 830, so i am going to bed. Just thought id stop by to vent.
Well, actually i intended to talk about my day, but i got sidetracked. I promise more to come soon!
Bobi
It sounds harsh but i am normally a very receptive and flexible boss. But i am tired of calls every 5 minutes. Yesterday morning at 8:34 am i had 6 missed calls! I AM NOT OUT OF BED YET! And it was over something trivial that if someone thought for a minute, they could have solved their problem.
Anywho, i work at 10 am and my staff will probably call me to wake me up at 830, so i am going to bed. Just thought id stop by to vent.
Well, actually i intended to talk about my day, but i got sidetracked. I promise more to come soon!
Bobi
Big Meanies!
I think my husband is a big meanie for yelling at our puppy A, but this isn't about him. Or them.
It is about my mother.
And her house.
And the assholes who robbed it.
Yes, someone robbed my poor unsuspecting mother.
She lives in the middle of nowhere. She can only see one other house from her yard. And we have always felt safe. The only thing close to this was when one of my high school boyfriends tried to break in but failed.
So after a family get together at my aunt's house, i drove home, drove right past my moms and was about 8 minutes from arriving home. And my mom calls me. Our conversation goes like this:
Mom: I'm okay. Dont panic. Drive safe. But someone broke into my house.
Me: HAWHAT?
MOM: I just went inside and someone has taken my TV out of my bedroom, i think the computer is still there.
Me: call 911
Mom: Already done they said i need to go out to my car and lock myself inside until they get here.
Me: I will be there in 3 minutes
Mom: Drive safe.
So i drove safe and arrived 8 minutes later after driving just slightly over the speed limit. Of course my mom was near tears on the phone. Which is a feat because my mom is a tough single woman and has been virtually her entire life. (She was married for 4 years but she pretty much supported him and got nothing in return)
When i arrived the police were inside. And her dogs were petrified. Roo, her young beagle was inside with the cop hiding and barking. Juliette, her older beagle, was cowering and shaking outside. And devil dog was I don't even know, being weird somewhere. (Devil dog hates me and i feel the same way towards him. I do know that he was aroused and tried to hump my arm a few minutes after the police left)
The thieves had stolen my mother's not-even-a-year-old-TV, the diamond and onyx earrings that my Grandfather gave my Grandmother in their 20th or 30th year. All of my mom's diamond tennis bracelets. Her pearls. And the most priceless item, my Grandmother's mother's ring. It had 2 gold bands, on the top was her and my Grandfather's birthstones, on the bottom was all 5 of their children. This ring was her mother's day gift about 2 years after my mom was born.
Honestly, my Grandmother's ring is the only thing truly special. (We later found the diamond and black onyx earrings outside by the fence, they had dropped them when they hopped the fence.)
Oh, wait, no, my mother will tell you that 2 important things are missing, my Grandmother's ring, and HER PILLOW CASE! You see, my mother is very particular about her bedding always being perfect. Everything matches. So, since the evil men took her pillow case, she now has matching bottom and top sheets, a coordinated comforter, and matching throw, and ONE PILLOW CASE! The woman is already feeling insecure enough in her own home and now they mess with her bedroom OCD!
Any who, back to normal people issues, my step dad had to leave his mother* and stay at my mom's the other night because of course, she was afraid, and her back door was kicked in.
But, by 6 o'clock tonight you will never know anything ever happened. We have many friends who work construction so Mr. Sexy Construction man came and worked all day Monday so that my mommy's house looks good as new. It just looks strange not having a TV where they clearly should be a TV.
*My step dad can not live with my mother. His own mother has Alzheimer's and his father cannot handle her alone (he is also very ill) so my step dad and his 3 children live with them 5 days a week and go to my mom's every chance they get. It is sad but my step dad is just like that. He even quit his awesome paying job to take a job making $10 an hour working for his uncle just so he can leave at a moments notice if anything happens to his mother, father, my siblings, myself or his sister who has cancer just about everywhere imaginable. He is a great guy. Very self sacrificing. I love him. He is perfect for my mom. Well, kind of, neither of them speaks up for themselves and they are both so giving that sometimes i get mad because i know they are each mad at each other but no one has the balls to say anything.
Oh, and the thieves still have not been caught. But we are looking for idiots here. You see, my mom had Monday off work, so she was going to paint. So all day Sunday she prepped her house. Which means that if the thieves had even made it into her kitchen, they would have noticed that her big TV, her sound system, and all her antique vases, candy dishes, and plain weird glass stuff, was sitting on the table. It is worth much more than the jewelry and TV and pillowcase. Idiots.
Oh, and they are cruel. Her old Beagle Juliette has a broken clavical and is not petrified of strangers. So thanks assholes, ruin the best dog in the world!
So, if you meet cruel, stupid people, please arrest them.
Bobi
It is about my mother.
And her house.
And the assholes who robbed it.
Yes, someone robbed my poor unsuspecting mother.
She lives in the middle of nowhere. She can only see one other house from her yard. And we have always felt safe. The only thing close to this was when one of my high school boyfriends tried to break in but failed.
So after a family get together at my aunt's house, i drove home, drove right past my moms and was about 8 minutes from arriving home. And my mom calls me. Our conversation goes like this:
Mom: I'm okay. Dont panic. Drive safe. But someone broke into my house.
Me: HAWHAT?
MOM: I just went inside and someone has taken my TV out of my bedroom, i think the computer is still there.
Me: call 911
Mom: Already done they said i need to go out to my car and lock myself inside until they get here.
Me: I will be there in 3 minutes
Mom: Drive safe.
So i drove safe and arrived 8 minutes later after driving just slightly over the speed limit. Of course my mom was near tears on the phone. Which is a feat because my mom is a tough single woman and has been virtually her entire life. (She was married for 4 years but she pretty much supported him and got nothing in return)
When i arrived the police were inside. And her dogs were petrified. Roo, her young beagle was inside with the cop hiding and barking. Juliette, her older beagle, was cowering and shaking outside. And devil dog was I don't even know, being weird somewhere. (Devil dog hates me and i feel the same way towards him. I do know that he was aroused and tried to hump my arm a few minutes after the police left)
The thieves had stolen my mother's not-even-a-year-old-TV, the diamond and onyx earrings that my Grandfather gave my Grandmother in their 20th or 30th year. All of my mom's diamond tennis bracelets. Her pearls. And the most priceless item, my Grandmother's mother's ring. It had 2 gold bands, on the top was her and my Grandfather's birthstones, on the bottom was all 5 of their children. This ring was her mother's day gift about 2 years after my mom was born.
Honestly, my Grandmother's ring is the only thing truly special. (We later found the diamond and black onyx earrings outside by the fence, they had dropped them when they hopped the fence.)
Oh, wait, no, my mother will tell you that 2 important things are missing, my Grandmother's ring, and HER PILLOW CASE! You see, my mother is very particular about her bedding always being perfect. Everything matches. So, since the evil men took her pillow case, she now has matching bottom and top sheets, a coordinated comforter, and matching throw, and ONE PILLOW CASE! The woman is already feeling insecure enough in her own home and now they mess with her bedroom OCD!
Any who, back to normal people issues, my step dad had to leave his mother* and stay at my mom's the other night because of course, she was afraid, and her back door was kicked in.
But, by 6 o'clock tonight you will never know anything ever happened. We have many friends who work construction so Mr. Sexy Construction man came and worked all day Monday so that my mommy's house looks good as new. It just looks strange not having a TV where they clearly should be a TV.
*My step dad can not live with my mother. His own mother has Alzheimer's and his father cannot handle her alone (he is also very ill) so my step dad and his 3 children live with them 5 days a week and go to my mom's every chance they get. It is sad but my step dad is just like that. He even quit his awesome paying job to take a job making $10 an hour working for his uncle just so he can leave at a moments notice if anything happens to his mother, father, my siblings, myself or his sister who has cancer just about everywhere imaginable. He is a great guy. Very self sacrificing. I love him. He is perfect for my mom. Well, kind of, neither of them speaks up for themselves and they are both so giving that sometimes i get mad because i know they are each mad at each other but no one has the balls to say anything.
Oh, and the thieves still have not been caught. But we are looking for idiots here. You see, my mom had Monday off work, so she was going to paint. So all day Sunday she prepped her house. Which means that if the thieves had even made it into her kitchen, they would have noticed that her big TV, her sound system, and all her antique vases, candy dishes, and plain weird glass stuff, was sitting on the table. It is worth much more than the jewelry and TV and pillowcase. Idiots.
Oh, and they are cruel. Her old Beagle Juliette has a broken clavical and is not petrified of strangers. So thanks assholes, ruin the best dog in the world!
So, if you meet cruel, stupid people, please arrest them.
Bobi
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Bologna
Bologna is made of lots of scraps, and today that is what I'm feeding you.
Scrap*
So, i let my sister in law move in. I agreed to let her and her raccoon* move in. Into my BABY's ROOM. Why? Because I see how awful she is treated by my in-laws and thought I would try to help her one last time. I got her a job. I arranged my work schedule to get her almost 21 yr old a** her temps. I even set up a budget so she could afford to rent the teeny tiny 2 bedroom house next door in 3 months. I even risked all the raccoon diseases by allowing that thing in my house!
Then she spoke to my evil mother in law and suddenly she wanted to go home. So, i took her home. Then the next day she told my in-laws that I write on my computer about them. That I don't want my hubby to see them, that i hate them, and that i think i am better than them.
First of all, i don't believe anyone is better than anyone. I do believe that i will be a better parent, simply because i wont snort coke, i wont live in a car, i wont grow pot, i wont use coke to lose the baby weight, i wont teach my 8 yr old how to make meth, and most of all i will never tell my 16 year old son to "Take this rope and go hang yourself." Yes, that's what my FIL told my husband, and then bitched when he had to go to school to get my husband because the school had noticed the rope burn on his neck and the slits on his wrists.
Then just 3 months ago, my FIL told my sister in law the same thing. THIS FAMILY IS CRAZY!
I have already told my husband, our kids will only stay there when I am with them (my husband still struggles to stand up to them) and if they start to be anything but sweet and sober, i will put my kids in the car and keep them away. Gee is A-OKAY with this. That breaks my heart.
Now for a tidbit on my family, we are very close, we are not perfect, but we are close. I have a cousin, who has 3 kids, no fertility issues, even though several of her cousins and her sister have battled and won the infertility war. This cousin has a son, lets name him, M. She also has a father, lets name him R.
I posted on facebook, my support for building the stupid mosque in New York. I believe in freedom to sell land to whoever, and freedom of religion. Simple as that. My Uncle R got on and started saying things like "Muslims shouldn't be allowed in our country" "You should be kicked out for supporting terrorists" then a friend of mine from HS joined in, you see, her family is Muslim, she isn't, but they are. She and i pretty much explained things to my 50 something year old uncle and he just got more and more belligerent. Even striking so low as to call this friends 110 pound frame "fat." I became outraged, this is the same Uncle who previously told me to put my dog down because she is part pit bull.
It finally ended with me blocking him.
Then on the 5 year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, i posted some stats on the fact that everything is not fine and dandy down there. (I wont bore you with the details) And M, who used to be one of my closest cousins, gets on and starts saying how sick and tired he is of me always complaining, how i shouldn't worry about New Orleans or Katrina because no one up here cares and those people are "stupid" for living there anyway. Yeah, i was pissed. I explained how ignorant he is, how selfish and ridiculous and how i hope he was joking.
He proceeded to say
"I am going to be the one to say it, i will play the bad guy since no one else wants to, our family is tired of hearing about your struggles, about useless fertility facts, about Muslims, Katrina, and all that other shit. Facebook is to connect and our family doesn't feel connected to you when you complain in every single post"
Which amuses me because usually my facebook is happy and upbeat and fertility, Katrina, and the Muslims are the only three things that i have mentioned that could even be perceived as negative. Then i deleted M's mother, sister, brother and aunt. Then emailed the rest of my family on facebook and learned that none of them had ever had an issue with anything i said and that they are happy to be in the know as far as fertility goes and that i have taught them a lot.
Then my friends started to read what M had said, and they all jumped to my defense, 4 of my facebook friends didn't realize they were "infertile" until i started speaking out. So far, 2 of them have gone to the doctor, and one has discovered Male Factor infertility as the culprit, and another had learned she has endometriosis and a blocked tube. The other 2 are trying different things and slowly becoming more aware and i believe plan to go to the doctor soon.
So, i felt much better, i lost part of my family, but obviously they couldn't support me anyway, so it isn't much of a loss at all. Although Uncle R has since told my 80 something year old grandmother his opinion on my struggles, and she apparently threatened to throw him over her knee if he ever mentioned my struggle again, and said that as a man with two daughters, who's wife suffered through countless miscarriages and a 10 year wait between daughter 1 and daughter 2, he should know better. (He believes that things like that shouldn't be shared, that it should remain a silent sorority, and i believe that it should be heard, loud and proud, because we will never get the support we IFers need if no one knows our struggle)
Okay that is all i have time for. So i leave you with this.
STAND STRONG MY SORORITY SISTERS, AND FIGHT, FOR THERE IS A WAR RAGING AND I WILL GO FIRST INTO BATTLE FOR ALL WOMEN WHO ARE INVOLUNTARILY CHILDLESS!
I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!
Bobi
*The raccoon was stolen from my chimney by my FIL since he wanted one. He then forced my SIL to take care of it or get out of his house, so she took care of it, fell in love, and now that she knows its illegal, she still cant let him go. He has become her baby.
Scrap*
So, i let my sister in law move in. I agreed to let her and her raccoon* move in. Into my BABY's ROOM. Why? Because I see how awful she is treated by my in-laws and thought I would try to help her one last time. I got her a job. I arranged my work schedule to get her almost 21 yr old a** her temps. I even set up a budget so she could afford to rent the teeny tiny 2 bedroom house next door in 3 months. I even risked all the raccoon diseases by allowing that thing in my house!
Then she spoke to my evil mother in law and suddenly she wanted to go home. So, i took her home. Then the next day she told my in-laws that I write on my computer about them. That I don't want my hubby to see them, that i hate them, and that i think i am better than them.
First of all, i don't believe anyone is better than anyone. I do believe that i will be a better parent, simply because i wont snort coke, i wont live in a car, i wont grow pot, i wont use coke to lose the baby weight, i wont teach my 8 yr old how to make meth, and most of all i will never tell my 16 year old son to "Take this rope and go hang yourself." Yes, that's what my FIL told my husband, and then bitched when he had to go to school to get my husband because the school had noticed the rope burn on his neck and the slits on his wrists.
Then just 3 months ago, my FIL told my sister in law the same thing. THIS FAMILY IS CRAZY!
I have already told my husband, our kids will only stay there when I am with them (my husband still struggles to stand up to them) and if they start to be anything but sweet and sober, i will put my kids in the car and keep them away. Gee is A-OKAY with this. That breaks my heart.
Now for a tidbit on my family, we are very close, we are not perfect, but we are close. I have a cousin, who has 3 kids, no fertility issues, even though several of her cousins and her sister have battled and won the infertility war. This cousin has a son, lets name him, M. She also has a father, lets name him R.
I posted on facebook, my support for building the stupid mosque in New York. I believe in freedom to sell land to whoever, and freedom of religion. Simple as that. My Uncle R got on and started saying things like "Muslims shouldn't be allowed in our country" "You should be kicked out for supporting terrorists" then a friend of mine from HS joined in, you see, her family is Muslim, she isn't, but they are. She and i pretty much explained things to my 50 something year old uncle and he just got more and more belligerent. Even striking so low as to call this friends 110 pound frame "fat." I became outraged, this is the same Uncle who previously told me to put my dog down because she is part pit bull.
It finally ended with me blocking him.
Then on the 5 year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, i posted some stats on the fact that everything is not fine and dandy down there. (I wont bore you with the details) And M, who used to be one of my closest cousins, gets on and starts saying how sick and tired he is of me always complaining, how i shouldn't worry about New Orleans or Katrina because no one up here cares and those people are "stupid" for living there anyway. Yeah, i was pissed. I explained how ignorant he is, how selfish and ridiculous and how i hope he was joking.
He proceeded to say
"I am going to be the one to say it, i will play the bad guy since no one else wants to, our family is tired of hearing about your struggles, about useless fertility facts, about Muslims, Katrina, and all that other shit. Facebook is to connect and our family doesn't feel connected to you when you complain in every single post"
Which amuses me because usually my facebook is happy and upbeat and fertility, Katrina, and the Muslims are the only three things that i have mentioned that could even be perceived as negative. Then i deleted M's mother, sister, brother and aunt. Then emailed the rest of my family on facebook and learned that none of them had ever had an issue with anything i said and that they are happy to be in the know as far as fertility goes and that i have taught them a lot.
Then my friends started to read what M had said, and they all jumped to my defense, 4 of my facebook friends didn't realize they were "infertile" until i started speaking out. So far, 2 of them have gone to the doctor, and one has discovered Male Factor infertility as the culprit, and another had learned she has endometriosis and a blocked tube. The other 2 are trying different things and slowly becoming more aware and i believe plan to go to the doctor soon.
So, i felt much better, i lost part of my family, but obviously they couldn't support me anyway, so it isn't much of a loss at all. Although Uncle R has since told my 80 something year old grandmother his opinion on my struggles, and she apparently threatened to throw him over her knee if he ever mentioned my struggle again, and said that as a man with two daughters, who's wife suffered through countless miscarriages and a 10 year wait between daughter 1 and daughter 2, he should know better. (He believes that things like that shouldn't be shared, that it should remain a silent sorority, and i believe that it should be heard, loud and proud, because we will never get the support we IFers need if no one knows our struggle)
Okay that is all i have time for. So i leave you with this.
STAND STRONG MY SORORITY SISTERS, AND FIGHT, FOR THERE IS A WAR RAGING AND I WILL GO FIRST INTO BATTLE FOR ALL WOMEN WHO ARE INVOLUNTARILY CHILDLESS!
I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!
Bobi
*The raccoon was stolen from my chimney by my FIL since he wanted one. He then forced my SIL to take care of it or get out of his house, so she took care of it, fell in love, and now that she knows its illegal, she still cant let him go. He has become her baby.
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